Always Auditioning

So sorry. Just opened a show and am finishing up opening weekend. By today, I will be posting a lot of blogs in a row to make up for my time missed.

Have a great day!

It is funny cause when I am working in a small town, I look forward to my days off because I can get a lot of self promotion work done. It is hard to do it while I am in NY with a hectic schedule. At the moment, however, I am just plain exhausted and really did need the down time to recover. My body needed the down time and it was very obvious how necessary it was. I have slept so much on the short time off. … and I still feel like I could use more sleep. Despite my sleeping, I have learned very quickly how easy it is to get bored on my days off if I don’t have something to do. With the economy as it is, I cannot afford to do lavish things. I need to save what I make and spend wisely. So, in a small town, there just isn’t much to do.
It is funny how I didn’t need that much time off to get bored. … on my next days off, I will have a lot of things planned and will avoid boredom.

Here is what some other people do when they are bored:

I don’t think I have ever really written about this - but I am not normal around food. This makes it harder when I am in casts at times because sometimes I just can’t go out to eat because I pretty much know it will lead to a huge binge. The other day, a wise person said, “Just don’t do it.” … it’s not that easy. It’s easy for someone without an eating disorder … but I have one. I binge. I binge REALLY BADLY. It is embarrassing to talk to people about it if they don’t understand. Simultaneously, I feel that people can see right through me. So, I am very open about my eating issues and what is going on in my mind. To further aid my mental issues with food, I write a blog - eatingdisordertalk.com.
What does this have to do with performing? Well, I am reading a great book called “Acting is a Job” and the author made a statement saying that most performers have an eating disorder.

Yep, I am tired and very happy about being tired. I feel very accomplished with everything at the moment. We have set the entire show and I am proud of that. I think I have mentioned before - THIS IS A ROCKIN CAST! Well, now I am just grateful for the people who surround me. They are all talented, they all do their work, and they have great/admirable attitudes in a rehearsal. I love it!
Tomorrow, we have a day off before we go into tech week. I could not be more grateful for the upcoming day off! What do I plan to do? I would normally get a crapload of work done, but tomorrow, I just want to celebrate all the great down time and enjoy it. If I end up in my pajamas all day, so be it! Yay!!!!!!

I got to be a part of great directing today. It is not so often when I find myself lucky enough to work with a director who really helps out an actor in a scene. Many times, I am just told where to go and I just come up with my own thing. In rehearsal today, the director really delved into the flow of the show. He took his time and I loved the work he did on the actors. I saw them grow more comfortable in their scenes. It was an inspiring thing to witness.

The parts in the show that I knew needed help - the director got it. Love it!

Here’s the stitch - the exception to many rules is Broadway. This is my opinion and it is very strong because Broadway is the dream for all of us. I don’t know about you, but if I get an unidentified phone call from a New York phone number, there is a part of me that hopes it is for Broadway. If I happen to be in the middle of a show, I will leave it - IT IS BROADWAY. If I was in the middle of tech and had a callback, I would go … even if that would mean I’d have to fly to NY for a single day. It is all about Broadway. So, if any of you reading this, is going through the same thing, and my message has not registered, let me say it once again - IT IS BROADWAY. If the current people you are working with don’t give you their blessing, go anyway. IT IS BROADWAY. This is what we dream about - being on that stage, walking to that stage door every day … wow. That’s what we would be so beyond grateful to have … CAUSE IT IS BROADWAY. Broadway is the exception to the rule.

Aw, man! I just got offered the fabulous role of Nikki in Sweet Charity. For those who don’t know - I WOULD LOVE TO DO THIS ROLE. I am seriously almost in tears from this offer. It truly would be such an amazing role to get to do. I called my voice teacher, my acting teachers, and now I just want to shout to the world and thank freakin G-d! Two years ago, I was having a conversation with a fellow performer saying something like this: “I am happy about my work, but I am so afraid that I may not get the roles I want. … well it is starting to happen and I just have all these tears of joy boiling up in me. It is so sucky to not be able to do the show because it conflicts with my current, super fun gig. Regardless, I am just a happy girl. I am living my dream!!!!!!!

I always get a huge sense of relief after I review an entire show after a bunch of rehearsals. The stress on my back builds up as I start to realize how much I have to review. If I continue to put off my own reviewing from my exhaustion, I only become more stressed. Well, today I finally had a day off and had a great amount of time to review … and yes, I totally took advantage of it. I feel so much better. The lyrics are coming together along with the dance movements.
Funny thing - when I see other people in the show, they always seem to be the opposite of stressed. If anything, they are super chill and have this great faith that everything will come together. I know it will, but I am really driven by this awful stress and anxiety in my stomach.
Well, I’ve done my reviewing … guess I can go to bed now.

I always feel bad for others when they are sick or injured and cannot do a show. That is such a major pain in the ass. It sucks to get to see everyone else in costume and getting the stage experience. I have totally been there and it sucks.
The strange thing is - when/if I have ever been sick or injured, I feel so ashamed and mad at myself. My self hatred grows and doesn’t stop. I really loathe more and more of myself. Though my illness/injury may be awful, I start to doubt myself. I have put myself back on stage too soon because of this self hatred.
Last year, I had sprained/strained/bruised bones in my foot. It was very painful and annoying. When I finally was able to walk without pain, I wanted to get back on the stage and start doing things. I could tell others thought I was a fake and I started to believe them despite what my doctor was saying (and my foot was saying). I could walk - yes, but that was all I could do. I could only walk. Nothing more than that. It was frustrating -how my food really couldn’t take any extra movement or weight. At times, I would forget about my injury and run - man that really hurt. Other people saw me do this and I hated myself even more. I didn’t want to cry about it all the time because then I would be that annoying person who cried all the time. It’s amazing how so much time has gone by and that feeling of shame rushes through my body as I talk about this. I want to be that super hero performer who gets hurt but never has to miss a show. I am so good at beating myself up over things.

So, now, when I see someone who is hurt or sick, I feel absolutely terrible for that individual. There is nothing that can be done and only time can heal their obstacle. The whole ordeal of being out of a show is just a nightmare come true for a performer and I don’t wish that on anyone.

There is something very interesting about a show for me in the rehearsal process. Inevitably, I always go through a period of time where I fear whether or not I will be able to pull off learning the entire show and holding up my end of the bargain.. It is not the character stuff or becoming who I am - it is just the music. Will I remember them? How long will it take me to get it all down? Will everyone else get it before me and I will be the odd ball still fumbling over the words? It is interesting for me to have this underlying fear at first because I have done one hour one woman shows. But for some reason, I have this fear. Anyone relate to this? I know I will get the work done and do my very best. At this point in my life, I am proud of my “very best.” I just want to get rid of this anxiety over the part. We have only been rehearsing for a couple days, so I see no reason for me to be worried. It is all in the beginning stages. I need to calm down. Don’t misinterpret- this is not major anxiety - it is only a general fear. But even though it is only general, I would like it to totally go away.
My goal - to be calm. To be in this world of bliss and just enjoy the process. It is all about the love of the journey, not the destination.

I love bonding with a new cast. We had our first gathering tonight. It was a Passover dinner. The director came over and led the service with great love. It was so great to have everyone in the same room in a non-work situation. Amazing. There was love and laughter in the room. I am so happy about all of it. The even cooler thing - it didn’t go horrifically late at all. By 10:15, people were gone to relax, review for the show, or do whatever they need to do before rehearsal tomorrow. Dude, it was all so amazing. I know performing isn’t all about the parties, but it is such a bonus! I am so grateful with how well the cast is connecting with each other. I am on this fabulous, natural high right now from all the happiness and joy I have from this show experience. With this awful recession going on, doing a show with great people is exactly what the doctor ordered. Yay!

I am super excited about everything in this new show adventure. I just arrived on Sunday night and despite my exhaustion, I am totally enjoying every single person here. The talent is incredible and totally inspiring. Every person is coming in with such an inspiring positive attitude. There is a huge part of me that want to hug and be accepted by all these great people right away but I don’t want to push it.
We only had a vocal rehearsal for the first act of “High School Musical” yesterday. I was immediately blown away. Every in that room really wants every else to do wonderfully. On top of it, I think we all have this automatic belief in each others talent. It is so powerful to be in a room with so much positive energy in the room.
Aside from getting to do a great show, we are all thrilled to be employed in theatre right now. There is an undying feeling of gratitude in the room. I really do consider myself to be a lucky girl at the moment.
Yay!

For anyone who didn’t go to the open call for “Bye Bye Birdie” on Broadway, apparently, it was a waste of time. I didn’t get further details yet, but I am saddened to hear that. As a nonunion member, we deserve our chances for Broadway as well. These open calls on the weekends - we hold our breath for those things. I get frustrated cause I work on the weekends. Other nonunion members refrain from attending Equity calls for the show because they depend on the Saturday open call to be seen. Straight up - that is not cool. It is not fair.

I do know that right now in this economy, Broadway has seen better days. I am very aware of that, however, it doesn’t stop dreams from living in us. The desire never stops. For some, it may, and for some others, it just keeps growing. I do not know exactly where I am going with this. I guess there is a part of me that hopes some casting director would read this and find ways to make some miraculous changes so we are actually seen for something.
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

I know that sounds totally crazy, but hey, if I am going to be a dreamer, I am going to be a dreamer all the way. Even just imagining some casting director will fall upon this blog makes writing this blog seem so much more adventurous. So, I am going to put out that hopeful and positive energy that some changes will be made. Even if it isn’t my blog …

The first month of a survivor job is usually the easiest. Everyone is on their best behavior to make me feel welcome. However, after the first month, that’s when all the real personalities come out. That is when I get to learn who is really a nice person and who is not. I am willing to put up with may things in my profession as a performer, but outside of my passion, I am not nearly as flexible. I am already doing something I do not like just by being there. The only reason why survivor jobs are not ma waste of my time, … I make money. I earn an income that allows me to continue auditioning and doing what I love. So, for me, that is how I am able to make it on time to these survivor jobs everyday. In reality, I am already pushing myself just to be there. If there is any bullcrap on top of it, I am done. I consider me a past employee. I love the stage. Period. That is where my heart and soul is and that is where I will stay. I do not see any point in pretending like I love my survivor job.

Tomorrow, I will be heading for my next job. A performance job and it could not be coming at a better time. I see myself naturally becoming a worse employee at my survivor jobs and I think ;it is due to my overall exhaustion from being out of my element - the stage. I feel like I will get to really breathe again soon. I will find my health and natural well-being just by leaving my mundane means to earn a living while I continue to pursue this dream come true career.

I have been having food thoughts as I have been recovering from my exhaustion. I naturally woke up at 6:30am this morning (I am a morning person). I stayed in bed until a little after 7 and kept trying to get myself back to sleep. My body wanted to be up. Though I was up, I was too tired to really get anything done. So, I did everything in like slow motion. The problem with when I am tired like this, it gets me to that place of boredom and makes me only want to eat. Luckily, I am getting a little more drive right now, so I can function and get some things done. It’s good to get things done and it is a great distraction from my food thoughts. … I may go take a nap again. I’m starting to get a headache from being tired. I am focusing on me today. It’s a good day to take special care of my well-being.