Always Auditioning

I am poor. This is a common problem for a WORKING performer. I am not talking about a performer who is waiting tables. That person has a much better income than a working performer. I am one of them. As a working performer, I do have an income. The income is so freakin small. I don’t even know if I can call myself a part of the middle class with my small freakin income. No, I will not tell you how much I make per week - just know that it is ridiculously low. I have am sometimes lucky enough to make some side money, but I do pretty much depend on what I make from performing and that scares me.
I wish performers made more. i wish there was more of a demand for live theatre. If there was, I would like to think that our income would be much higher. It is kind of pointless to delve into the “what ifs” because there isn’t anything I can do to change this monetary problem for working performers.
And lets be really honest, I would love to be able to afford so many things, but I just can’t. I grew up in a wealthy family and now I am pinching my pennies. Would I drop my profession to make more money. Absolutely not. Would you? If so, do it now because you are in the wrong profession if you are in it for fame and fortune.

Okay, I have a strong opinion about something. Drugs. I don’t care so much if a person drinks or even does pot outside of a show. I do however, don’t respect a person who uses any other drug when I am in a show with him or her. I recently found out that I had worked with a person who was doing cocaine. For me, all respect for that person is automatically and completely lost. When on stage with others, we are putting full trust in each other. What do you think? Nothing will change my very strong opinion. I will never defend drugs. Waste of my time because there is more bad than good. Period. Normally, I really don’t give a *&^% what a person does outside of a show. Drugs? NO. That is a huge limit for me. No way. I do not accept it. Everybody is different and it can take different amounts of time to come off a drug. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about sharing the stage with this individual anytime soon.

Listening. Listening is one of the hardest things to do as a dancer. As a performer. Listening to my body when it needs time off is very difficult. When you are on a roll with doing a show, you don’t get time off. shows run for such a short period of time in the first place. Shows usually run only two to three months in nonunion regional theatres. That is the case for me right now. I have sprained, strained, and bruised bones in my left foot. I have taken four weeks off to be able to go back into this current show I’m in. My foot is better than it was, but it is not 100%. My foot does not feel fantastic and if this job was longer, I would take the month or so I need off to completely heal. So, the healing process will take a little longer and I have to really be careful not to jump as high or put too much on my left foot as I dance. So, for me this show is all about listening to my body. I am out there smiling and you wouldn’t have a clue that I have any kinks in my body. That makes me happy because it goes to show I can get my job done and do it well no matter the obstacle. All this is possible because I listen to my body. Do you listen to yours?

That is just another way to say “believe in yourself.” This is a topic I am going to constantly touch upon because it is something I strive for everyday. I don’t want to care about what other people think or say. I don’t want to be disturbed by statements made by others. I can hear a person say a wonderful compliment to another person and turn it into a negative thought. Why isn’t this person saying the compliment to me? Am I really lacking that much talent? Why can’t I get that compliment? Do I suck? Oh, yes, the brain totally goes there. Then I have to go through this whole mental argument and convince myself that the person speaking doesn’t know shit and I really am fabulous. Or I go through a whole excuse page on why I may not be seen as such a great performer as the person receiving the compliment. It’s a vicious cycle that I am fully aware of - and I know I am not the only one who struggles with these thoughts. If anything, I think it is good for me to realize and see I do all this in the moment - therefore showing where I still need to grow in my self confidence.

Believe it or not - keeping in touch with people is a very important part of this business. You have to. Yes, keeping in touch with your friends, no matter how much you love them, can sometimes feel like a job. Here’s what I do - when I start to think about a friend, I call him or her. I have different friends for different things. Next thing I know, I have been keeping in touch with my friend. i don’t call everyday and spend a lot of time doing it (I’m saying this in case you hate the phone or the very idea of “keeping in touch”). Every once in a blue moon, I make contact with a dear friend and it feels so fantastic.
When coming into a new cast, it is not always easy to fully connect with everyone. For me, I often find myself the odd one out because I don’t like wasting money on going out to eat all the time, I don’t drink, I eat very healthy, I hardly go out to parties because I like getting enough sleep, I refuse to formulate friendships over something negative, and I love mornings. With those things alone, I already have my own thing going on that can sometimes turn people off. I don’t take it personally because I seriously like my life as it is, but when I want to open up to someone and talk about my life, it can be hard to find the right “friend” to talk to … like having my close friends around. I am not going to formulate a close bond with just anyone and neither are you. It’s an unfortunate facts of life. But that’s besides my point. When you keep in touch with friends, you will never find yourself alone. You will always be connected and able to be there for each other at any time.

In order to be available to my friends during the day time, I am now changing my phone plan to unlimited minutes all around. It is more affordable now and it’s time I did it. Plus, it will only make keeping in touch ten times easier with my friends. Do you make any efforts to keep in touch with people?

I am in the process of getting into a new run of this show and I am enjoying myself. I am still working on a regular warm-up routine for this show. I love being here in Florida and being in this comforting warmth. I have so many goals in mind for myself while I’m here. So many, that I could understand why someone would put off the goals and not a get a thing done. Not me. We have enough days where there’s only one show per day.
I have not had this much down time ahead of me in the longest freakin time. I’m overwhelmed by how wonderful all of this is. Yay!!!
Don’t worry, I will make sure I have some good times while I’m here in Florida. However, I am most definitely taking advantage of this time and getting my career to leap forward. I have work until August 10th and i’m totally going to get booked for great things. I can feel it!

Okay, so I have been slow with posting my blogs. Some of the were written a couple days ago and I never got around to posting them. Not a big deal. if anything, I am happy I have the time to post them now. Enjoy!

Don’t waste your time comparing yourself to another person. I know that is hard to do, but it only goes against you rather than for you. it will get you to stop focusing on how to improve yourself, and therefore, waster time and energy thinking abotu someone else. It will fill you with negative energy. Gratitude will be hard to come by because you won’t have what someone else has - you will be unsatisfied. you will find your thoughts will go in the same, continuous circle that will totally drive you mad. Not fun. Far from fun. Even if you think the roller coaster ride of comparison is good for stop and ask yourself, “Have I repeated this thought process? Am I thinking about the same thing over and over?” If you don’t think so, journal about your thoughts - 3 pages. See what you notice. What come up over and over? Are these thoughts actually getting you anywhere? Probably not. Let go of the comparisons. look in the mirror and acknowledge all that you have!

For me, that’s a total process. I have to constantly work on a song and perform it in front of people to really learn how to own it. Wow. That was a run on sentence and I’m totally not going to fix it. Anyhow, that’s what I’m doing this this beautiful song by Scott Alan, “I’m a Star.” I have a specific vocal technique, different acting choices, and physicalities that are coming together more and more every time I work on the song. It feels good - where it is going. I like it. The pianist I have been working with bangs on the piano and fails to listen to the singer, so I’ll have to continue being in tune with my vocal instrument to not push. Eventually, as i grow with the song, i’ll become more comfortable and shine as much as I’d like. Nothing will distract me. I’ll get there. For now, i am just continuing with my home work on the song. It gets better everyday. Patience is key. I have it on video from doing last night’s cabaret, but I am not going to share this clip. I am using it to grow, and eventually, completely own this beautiful song.

My show is almost closing. One more day. in general, I’m not a fan of counting down. I see it as asking to speed up my life and I don’t want to hurry up and then die. i know, this may seem way too dramatic, but it’s how I feel. There are sometimes, naturally, exceptions to the rule. In this show, i am injured. I can’t dance and i was hired as a dancer. I sing backstage for most of the show and enviously watch everyone have a blast on stage. My love is the stage. I love the whole experience and process of being in a show. Yes, I may get exhausted at times. As a nonunion performer, we often are overworked, but in the end, I do this for my love of the stage. It’s a great escape from reality. As a child, I played “make - believe” for free. Now, as an adult, I get paid to play. Don’t get me wrong, it is called work for a reason and doing the same thing over and over can get tiresome. But blame that on yourself. If you aren’t coming up with new motivations that fit with the context of what you are doing, it is going to get very bland. If you are counting down, maybe you should make sure you sign a shorter contract and let someone else take the job and appreciate it the whole time.

This is an inspiring post I found at the following link:
http://maladiesofconfused.blogspot.com/2006/02/twenty-point-someone.html

They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends…. maybe it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in their state of confusion…..

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US

It does. It sucks and I don’t like it. In fact, the idea of patience or even the word used to really bother the heck out of me. I have calmed down over time, but it is still hard to be patient when you think you have been. So, here I am, still dealing with an annoying sprain that is healing TOO SLOWLY. Ironically, the physical therapist thinks I am healing miraculously quickly. I don’t know what to think. I know I should develop and opinion on my own, but it only boils down to the fact that I wish I didn’t get injured in the first place. But truthfully, without pointing the figure, it was not my fault. The situation was out of my control and I got hurt. Period. I have been singing off stage for most of the show and walking on to sing random parts that don’t require anything more than walking. That’s it. It’s smart, but I don’t like sitting on the side watching people get to ride a roller coaster that is so fun … that I could be a part of … if I wasn’t injured. I know I only have a week left before I can go back into dancing, but to me it feels like a WHOLE WEEK. I can’t wait to be dancing again!

I am a highly independent person. I am very spiritual and do rely on a higher power/G-d, but to most people I am just extremely independent. I know what I want and I go for it. My passion for this job moves me forward. Nothing can stop me from moving forward, but there are some things that can slow me down. I am talking about my recent romantic/whatever you would call it adventure. I was doing just fabulous and then HE came along. I was distracted in a good way. It had been a long time since I really liked everything about a guy. It was tough to find his flaws. Yet, even when I discovered his flaws, I was so into all the things I liked, I didn’t care. My thoughts, though still on my career, went into thoughts about him as well. It was 50-50. I QUICKLY let him into being a part of my life. I got used to it and it became normal for me. Then it ended. Luckily, he wasn’t in my life for long. It has taken me a week to move on. If anything, I became an “extra workaholic” to help distract myself when i was getting used to being alone again. Funny. I’ve been single for such a long time that I never thought of it as being alone. I enjoy myself when I’m alone. … and it doesn’t feel like I am alone because of all the supportive friends and family in my life. But when a boy comes into my life, I forget and depend on him. I’m back to “going solo” now, but how do I stop myself from giving so much of me to a guy so quickly?

Okay, so this is a very important thing to have as an artist and is a lot harder to find when your job could possibly be your hobby. What do I like to do on my “off - time?” I like to go out dance or wail at a karaoke bar. Since this is my job, my body needs rest to be able to perform it’s very best. Ironically, my hobby would seem like work to another person, but for me, it is a fun activity. I like learning how to use a computer program like Quicken and get more organized with my expenses. I like to learn how to track the amount of people looking at my website through googleanalytics. I even love finding more things to work on. You could call me a workaholic, but for me it is so much more than that. I love my work. I do. I absolutely love it. I suppose that one hobby of mine, songwriting, would be one many people could relate to, but simultaneously, I take it much more seriously than an other person would. My hobbies may not be the typical hobby, but they are saviors to me. Do you have a hobby?

I am still working on my audition book. I had finished it a couple years ago, but as time passes, my love for some of the songs I chose vanished. Sometimes I never truly realize a song is wrong for me until I try it a couple times in a few auditions. I hear how others sound or sense that I am not showing myself off as much as I could. Then begins the procrastination because it is only one song that needs to be changed. The songs that need to be replaced start to add up and I find myself with a lot of work to do. The one song that is the most difficult for me to find is a country song. I don’t like country music. There are the more contemporary, pop - sounding country songs, but when going into an audition, people want to hear the “real deal.” How the heck does a person find a song to love in a musical genre she dislikes? I don’t have a solution to this one. Any ideas?