I know I am the one to blame when it comes to the slower progress of my voice. I was resistant to my vocal teachings in college. I remember my voice instructor would tell me to do things and I would try my best in the lesson. I would do the vocal warm-ups outside of my lesson, however, I did not focus on what I needed to focus on. I would casually sing away and not gain much at all. I lacked the necessary focus.
My original voice teacher was not nice. In fact, she was quite un-supportive. Most of the time, she would shake her head in disappointment when I would not get what she was trying to teach me. I would be trying to do what she said. I knew what she wanted me to do, but for some odd reason I could not do it nor could I remain consistent. I was always so scared to come into her voice lesson. I was in fear of disappointing her once again. I did exactly that during every lesson. It was not good for the esteem.
I put up my own cabaret my final year at my college. I remember feeling very unsure about my voice. I would be singing and questioning how worthy I was in the midst of all of it. In fact, I felt insecure to a point that even when I got my gig with Disney, I still doubted my singing ability. It was only during that contract when I found myself slowly grow in my vocal confidence. I was singing amongst great r&b/gospel singers who knew how to belt it out on the spot. Licking comes from the heart and I started to learn that from them. I also grew up listening to r&b music and had to learn that I would never have that soulful sound. That’s when I finally started to fully understand my type (will talk more about later) and embrace it. Man, simply knowing my type automatically opened up doors for me as a vocalist.
I believe the teacher is the backbone in growth for a performer, however, I refuse to point away from myself. It is all up to me. If I thought the teacher was not letting me grow the way I needed, it was my job to find another teacher.
I have been taught the basics of reading music many times. That is not my problem. My problem is when I try to step beyond the basics in rehearsal. No can do. I can’t simply look at a note and make the exact sound. I can tell which direction it is going (either up or down). I know if it is going flat, but I don’t know how to make the sound if the note is going flat. The same thing applies with me in a sharp note.
I just thought of a funny, random story. I was in my choir class in high school sitting next to a buddy of mine. The teacher was once again reviewing the basics of reading music. A girl in front of us started to pick her nose. Naturally, our attention silently went to the nose picker. We were laughing very quietly and were on the brink of being out of control. The girl finally pulled her finger out of her nose to reveal a huge booger on her finger. She kept staring at it. My friend and I knew she wanted to eat it. We held our breaths in hopes that we were wrong. We knew where it was going as we saw the finger go in the direction of her tongue. “No!!!!” my friend shouted. I was gagging to much to make any noise. I bet the teacher may have been answering some fundamental questions that class on how to read music properly. I blame it on the nose picker. That was disgusting.
When I am in rehearsal. I hold my own pretty well. I can follow for the most part. I’m absolutely in love with my digital recorder. That thing saves my life. The best way for me to learn - practice it over and over again until it becomes ingrained and memorized. Maybe one day I will have the time, patience, and desire to properly learn music. That would not be now.
So, I turn on the tv and see these girls in a reality show trying to become the next Pussycat Doll. This would not be for me. I believe that going on tv to try to make it into this industry is the worst way to go. They edit so much to create an entertaining show. They could make me out to be an awful, mean person. It is the worst exposure.
Take my current gig. If I was being followed by cameras, any negative comments, thoughts, or opinions could be broad-casted nation-wide and I could be ruined. No one wants to hire someone the world dislikes. I could really put my future career at risk if I was filmed. I would love to say that I am perfect and never have a negative thought, but I do. It is not about others, it revolves around me. i am always concerned about my career. I also worry about how others perceive me. I would hate to hurt other people’s feelings and them to become resentful towards me. I worry. I really do. I don’t doubt myself as much as I used to … If anything, I have a lot of confidence. It feels so good to have a believe in myself for once. It’s not conceited. It’s … how should I describe it? I come from a low, low self-esteem. I would beat myself up over everything. I learned my parts for shows with all my fears clinching to my spine. i could not relax into my love for performing. i was so busy judging myself. Many times, I would make fun of myself aloud only to beat others to the punch. It was already hard enough to deal with my own harsh self-criticism. Having another negative comment come from elsewhere; I couldn’t take it.
Good to know that I am in a better place now. I have a right to not always be “on.” I also have learned that I have a right to feel what I feel. It doesn’t mean I am always right.
Talk about first impressions on the first day. My nerves go wild when I have to sing in front of a bunch of people for the first time. I don’t doubt my singing ability. I simply get nervous with the concept of making a first impression on the rest of the cast. It is so easy to judge myself. I was actually a lot nicer to myself in my head this time. Instead of getting mad at myself for not hitting the right note aloud, I was saying (in my head) that I knew I would be able to hit the note properly once I had time to practice on my own.
Not much music to learn. The biggest thing for me to learn is the German accent. I had no idea that I needed to learn the German accent. That is a huge thing to take on, but I have time to get better at it more and more. If anything, I have to at least be able to sing with the German accent. I will work on it today and for awhile and improve on it over time.
I really like the people in the cast. Everyone seems extra nice and I feel lucky to be working amongst the group of talent. There is no snobbery. Only love in the room. I do fear that my personality may be too much for others, so I want to make a point to check in to make sure I am not offending anyone. I do realize that my humor can be overwhelming right at “hello.” It’s nothing I can change because my personality simply comes out as is and I don’t realize it may not be good to say that until it’s too late. Also, my innappropriate reactions to things just happen. I find myself laughing when I should not be laughing. My only reason for the laughter is because I think in my head, “Wouldn’t it be messed up if someone broke out into laughter right now?” And then I am the idiot who does it. Oy.
I am in the ensemble for the next two shows. Can’t lie. I’m bummed. I said yes to the contract because this is a great theatre to work with and I knew I would be so happy to be here. I only pray that I don’t get in a rut with the company and continuously do ensemble work. I have no control over those decisions and I have to keep reminding myself of the now. Right now, I have the time to relax a little more before I review the fun music before rehearsal today. Good times ahead!
I find it necessary to explain myself before you read on in today’s blog. I am making a point to write honestly even if it is negative in case there is someone else in my situation. I want to make people feel like they are not alone if they are going through something in theatre. We all go through it. Everyone. This is what I am going through as of yesterday. And in reality, the feelings I feel change all the time. My feelings are not in resentment towards anyone. It is my personal, emotional struggle in my life journey.
Though it is an honor, it also sucks to be the new girl. Right away, I was put in the back for everything. It just sucks. I enjoyed myself, but this was a mental block for me. It makes me feel crappy. One day I am a lead in a show and the next day I am in the background … again. It would be dishonest of me to lie to myself that and say it does not hurt my feelings. I know, I know, I should grow a tougher skin about this, but when you are so in love with this line of work, everything matters and it’s hard to shrug it off.
The choreography is a blast. The choreographer is fabulous, organized, … everything good. As I suspected, I am amongst a highly talented group. I love dancing with these people and I know we will all “go there” in this show. It’s great to get to be so sexual in a show.
I’m sad to share that we are not doing “Mein Heir” or “Maybe This Time.” Apparently, those two songs were used in the 1998 Broadway Revival and the rights to that show have not been release. There is a huge fine to anyone who tries to throw those songs into any of the old versions. What a bummer! Those are such fantastic songs.
For me, all the boys I have danced with are great partners. Usually there are a couple strong guys and than many boys who are brand new to partnering … from my experience. In this situation, I am passed around through different guys and I am just having so much fun dancing with all of them. It is so much fun. I love it.
I have a feeling a will be saying “I love it” through most of this process.
I have yet to work with the director/producer. He is definitely someone we would all love to work with, but in this show, I don’t think we interact with him much. Maybe next time … Would love to get more exposure with the director so he could see how I work. Future work, man. That’s what it is all about - future work. It’s hard not to think about it at this point in my life. I love the stage and just want to keep working. Who would want to do anything else?
Riding on the bus to Lancaster. I felt like I was on tour again. I did an awful tour with a nonunion company that does not exist anymore. We were at a different location every night. It sucked. One-nighters. We spent most of our time on the bus. i remember we had two days in one spot and it was this huge deal. We would get to our hotel late at night after the show. Cast members would go out, but I didn’t because I knew we would have an entire day on the bus and I wanted to get sleep in a real bed.
Everything was not very organized. We once did a random stop to pick up some food. I went with the assistant company manager. We showed back up at the bus stop to discover we were stranded. Yep, the bus left without us. We phoned the company manager who had no idea that we were left behind. Oy.
Another cast member was left behind and the entire company knew it. No one could find the person the next morning and we were on a tight schedule (as usual). The cast was searching and calling the missing person until we had not choice but to leave. Turned out that the person got intoxicated the night before and managed to pass out in a random hotel room without a phone. Luckily, the person woke up and called the company manager before we ended up too far away. The poor person was in tears when we showed up at the hotel. I would have been freaked out as well. If that was meet, I would quit drinking after that incident.
I have plenty of memories on a bus from that awful tour. We were reminded daily that we were nonunion performers by the way the trip was organized and run. The cherry on top for me was all the bitching. That was the worst for me. Then I would find myself bitching about the bitching and pretty much joining the bandwagon.
It was hard to remind myself that I was lucky to have a gig when life on the bus was so miserable. That was the only contract I have ever left early (along with 8 other cast members). It was not good.
I’m not anti-bus … I just prefer another mode of transportation at this point in my life.
I can totally imagine a boy cringing when he reads this title. This is a real thing for women. I am on my period right now and it does make my voice more sensitive. My voice therapist was telling me about a friend of hers who did a study on the female voice.
He took studied both female singers and females who did not sing. For 60 days, he took a swab of liquid from the mouth and down there to see if there was a difference. No matter what time of month, there was not a difference. Whatever the lower part of the body experiences during the menstrual cycle, the voice gets effected as well. I don’t know if I am explaining this properly. The point - I have to learn to take it vocally easier when I am on my period. I don’t know what vocally easier is for me. I was originally a ballerina. I was trained to do things to the extreme. All or nothing. The in-between stuff takes longer for me to absorb. Man, I am a tired gal.
Despite the time of the month, I have been running around Manhattan getting last minute things together for the gig. I am bringing a lot of stuff. I know I will be there until the end of the year, so I want to have fun with my clothing. I am also bringing my computer office with me in order to be able to promote myself while I am out of the audition scene. I have been carrying heavy loads between Queens and Manhattan. I am starting to notice exactly how long the train ride is to and from the city. I don’t know why, but when I travel into the city for an audition, the travel time feels like nothing. But when I am doing trips with luggage, it feels like the longest trip ever!
I will be taking a cab from the Upper West Side to Port Authority Bus Terminal. I went to the terminal yesterday to figure out the easiest way to walk from the taxi to my bus stop. I have three big bags, two small carry-on, a small backpack with food, and my yoga mat. This is not including the three huge boxes I already mailed to the venue. I will probably rent a car at the end of the contract - it will be much simpler.
It’s all about the P’s. Period and Prepping. I don’t know which one is more draining.
I will be at my apartment today. I own a co-op in Queens. If a person has the money or the opportunity to invest in owning a place in New York, I highly reccommend it. When you go out of town it is easy to sublet and then I always have a permanent address despite all of my travels. It is so good to not have my parents home in California as my permanent address. It makes a difference.
I was working on a cruise ship when I knew I was going to own a co-op as soon as I got back into New York. I had so much fun designing the look of my aparment. I love how my apartment is - there is still plenty to fix up and that is fine with me. The biggest two things - the tiling and painting in the bathroom and the kitchen. The value of the apartment only increases as time goes on. As I fix up the apartment, it continues to “up” the value.
I have made the mistake of subletting to friends. This is the worst thing a person can do. It is mixing friendships with business. Not a good idea. The last time I did that it was to someone I truly enjoyed and now I’m sure we both shrivel at the sound of each other’s names. It’s a shame, but subletting to a friend can really cause some damage.
As a subleter, I have to tell people how to take care of the apartment. I watch over the apartment like a hawk. It is mine. Why would I shrug my shoulders if I think someone is abusing the apartment? I do not apologize for how I communicate about the apartment. I am not mean. I just don’t sugar coat it. My apartment is not about being nice to a friend. I speak to the subleter like a subleter. You get how subletting to a friend is the worst idea? I’m not saying I’m right or wrong. I’m only saying that in my eyes, I am protecting a huge investment and I will do what I have to in order to make sure the investment doesn’t get ruined.
This song is my savior. I swear. I listen to the lyrics and it puts my mind in a much better spot. It makes me feel like I am not alone for being such a dreamer. Though I have not made it to the “big time,” I know I am living my dream. Everyday I work towards my goal to be the star on a huge broadway stage. Everyday I imagine a part of how my life will be when I get where I want. Everyday the dream becomes more vivid and my heart grasps onto the dream more tightly. Why not continue to reach for the stars? I am 27 years old and my heart still beats for the stage. My voice still longs to be heard in front of millions of people. The spotlight is so clear when I close my eyes. It gets to me.
Some people get annoyed by others who only talk about their life in the arts. But when a passion is so huge, how can a person help his/herself? I feel lucky to actually have such a strong passion for something.
I just choreographed a strip routine for 50 bucks.Never thought I would see the day I would do that. It technically was not a stripping, more like a seduction dance that would obviously lead to sex. I taught it in an hour. I would have liked to have more time with the individual to make it super hot in every move, but there was not enough time.
It was a new thing - choreographing a sex routine. I was very professional about it. Strange? I don’t have a background in choreographing specifically for this kind of thing, but it was easy. It kind of came natural to me. Is G-d trying to tell me something?
Nah, i would not do this as a full - out career, however, it is definitely a fun thing to put on my list of survivor jobs. “The things we do.”
It’s a good thing my next gig starts up soon because at this point, I am afraid of the other random jobs I would pick up (heh, heh).
I do understand the concept of sexy and how to be sexy. But inside, I see myself as a clutzy and goofy person. I can pull off the whole “sex” thing onstage. Simultaneously, I can do the geek thing as well. Jamie Lee Curtis captures it in her striptease in “True Lies.”
I was working on my songs today and decided to record myself. To me, I sounded like a soprano and it did not sound like a belt sound. So, I recorded myself. I swear, I wanted to cry because I could not have been happier about how things sounded. It sounded exactly the same. It’s insane! It is not fun to admit this, but my vocal teacher in college would try to slam this technique on me in college and I did not trust her advice. I still did what she said, btu if a person is constantly doubting everything that is being taught, it will never really sing in. I thought my teacher was trying to turn me into a soprano and take away my belt. Simultaneously, I did not understand what she was trying to do. Though it was repeated to me by this instructor MANY times, I was not ready for it. I was stubborn. Now I am ready to take it on and it is coming to me so quickly. I think I may aim to use this sound … hmmm … forever! I love it!
I can’t lie - I still hear unsupportive voices in my head. This is a particular voice of a co-worker who I grew to believe did not have any faith in me as a performer. Nothing was confirmed; it was just a feeling in my gut. This person was known to be honest, but also to have tact as well. I think I am pretty good at reading people. In this case, I felt like I lacked the talent as a singer. I felt judged. It did not feel good. I already have the ability to be harsh on myself. Having other critics, especially ones who are talented and in the same business, does not help. There is a part of me that wants to prove myself to this person, btu then I have grown to believe that it is not something to chase after.
The most important thing is me. I have to believe in myself. This is not an easy task. I know I have grown in my self-confidence, but I have so much farther to go. And I will get there.
I have just been humbled once again. Went to my voice therapy lesson and really learned how much I love to sing in my throat. We sang correctly and then I knew I did not want to sing incorrectly afterwards. I did not want to feel that strain after how good I felt from doing it her way. I have been “given the go” to sing songs outside of my lessons/therapy sessions. I have been nervous about doing it, but I have to jump the gun if I want to improve. It is all about jumping over the fear to get better. Otherwise, how can I get better if I am never practicing on a regular basis. I have worked on four songs with her. I will work on each song a couple times everyday. This is a promise to myself I know I will be able to keep until I start rehearsals on August 30th. If anything, I will be vocally prepared to sing in the rehearsal process. I used to worry about making friends, but now that it is the least of my worries. This career is my concern and I am making leaps and bounds as a vocalist. It’s amazing.
There was a wise person in my last cast who tried to tell me that I was singing improperly. How can it really sink in when a person is not ready for it to sink in? She was kind and honest about it, but I did not want to believe that I could be singing improperly after all my years of voice lessons. Truth was - I was not getting the lessons I needed. Now I am. I may be speaking of my voice a lot at the moment, but that is my main thought right now. It’s a good thing because it has aided in my focus and recovery. Why stop such a positive focus? Though this is a humbling experience that makes me want to beat myself up for my past, I must remind myself that I can only live in the present. Now is all I have …
I have provided my video demo reel of mine. Now that I have learned so much, I can see and hear how incorrectly I was singing in some of my recordings.
If you are like me, there is always a “to do” list. I used to get myself carried away and have things scheduled by the amount of time I guessed it would take me. I would get everything done on the list, but then I would miss out on my day. I would miss out on enjoying my journey in the pursuit of this fulfilling career. Now I am working on a balance. I am not there yet, but I am doing much better. I still write out what I want to get done, but I don’t let myself run or rush through things. I have also given myself time to relax between things. I don’t need to be working throughout the day. But it is important for me to not forget all that needs to be done. This is where I get so confused because I have so much that needs to be done and the sooner it gets done, the better. Without a voice, a lot of things have been put on pause … unfortunately. Once I am back to speaking, I will still pace my use of my voice, however, I will be so desperate to get to using it. I suppose I have to wait and see what is best a day at a time. This is where patience comes in because I don’t know if that “to do” list will ever get smaller.
Oh, yeah.
That is what happens when you leave a gig early and have no voice. I sucked up pride and called my parents for financial help. This is a huge deal because I have made a point and done such a great job at being financially stable without them. Now I feel like they think their fears have been confirmed. I see this as a sign of where things need to be fixed. First of all, my health insurance is crap because it only covers me in New York. Second, the special ENTs and voice/speech therapists I have been seeing taking specific, and very expensive health insurance. It is insane and highly expensive. And without a voice, how am I supposed to work? I am lucky I have parents to support me, but this was all not what I wanted. I want and take pride in being financially stable on my own. When this happened, it caught me off guard so much that I did not know what to do with myself. I had to go to my parents and suck it up. Now my mom is questioning my cost off living and I have hardly done anything this summer socially because I just don’t have the money. I am not miserable. Only wise. I suppose financial problems is common for a performer, but I know there is a way to make it work. I truly believe that I will find my financial success through my life in the arts. It may be a side job like writing which would be perfect, but I don’t know what is in store for me. I only know that I can’t leave the arts. This is my life, my love, my passion, my heartbeat. Though my finances are a fiasco at the moment, I don’t care. I am going to make it through this and make it work!
That’s right. It is now Monday and I am leaving California on Wednesday morning. It has been good, but I am looking forward to having more time to myself again. I have not focused on my voice/speech therapy the way I would like to and need/want to get back on that. It is insane how distracting things can be when I am revolving my life around being social. I still have yet to find the perfect balance. I suppose a lot of it is because I absolutely love my work and to not have any work in my life would take away from having a fulfilling vacation. I love doing and accomplishing. I love to see where I want to be and experiencing the journey as I get there.
While having this time off, I have been casually working on adding a vocabulary to my House dancing. It was so fun to bring all my new stuff to a club on Friday and get acknowledged. House dancing is a specific style and I have worked to get that style in my body. It will always look different on everyone and I am starting to find my own groove. Once a groove is found, it is not about the dance moves. It starts with the music and the groove is absolutely unpredictable. I love it. I have no idea what I am going to do and I feel comfortable with it! It was amazing. My friend who throws parties here in California knows someone in New York who could connect me with the house scene there. This would be amazing.
Needless to say … again, I am looking forward to getting back to New York and having the time to focus on everything that is work-related. I love my life and I love my time off, but the fact that my next gig is getting closer, helps me breathe more efficiently.
