Don’t Apologize
I ran into a friend from college who is pursueing her craft in New York. I asked the usual question: what have you been up to? This can be a fatal question if you are not working back to back at any particular theatre. I felt bad when I realized I had put her in an uncomfortable spot. That was not my intention, but even if it was not, it ended up sucking. She has not had a lot of regular work. I don’t care. What matters is that she is happy. I am not close enough with her in order for her to feel comfortable with sharing her struggles with me. I am open to talk about it, but how can I open that door of communication when we are not that close. I am not a fan of topical conversations. Topical - my definition would be any conversation that only is about how things look on the outside - not how they really are on the inside.
I ended up emailing her and apologizing for being unable to speak. Yes, I am mute right now as I heal vocally. I did not fully share my vocal situation because it is not something I am proud of … guess being open goes both ways. Either way, despite our block to be able to fully open up to each other, it was obvious that our intentions were good and that is what really matters.
I have felt as though an apology is not enough lately. I have apologized to my previous employers, but I don’t feel it is adequate enough. So, I have turned it into Thank Yous. I have thanked them for letting me leave the contract early to heal and for being wonderful bosses (yes, I had more than one boss at the last gig).
I even wrote a letter to the producer letting him know how grateful I was in massive detail. Whatever I do, it doesn’t feel like it is enough. Simply because apologizing doesn’t seem to cut it for me.
At this point, I have to let go. I know, I know. It is so hard. I guess forgiving and accepting myself and my health situation is the first step. I have done well with that, but there must still be some block if I fully won’t let other people forgive me. It would have been easier to just have remained healthy, but that was not the path I was meant to lead.
For now, I am going to focus on the positive, take myself out for a nice jog right now, and stop freakin apologizing!
