Always Auditioning

I am in major rehearsals everyday. I have never experienced something like that would last an entire summer. I am not complaining about it by all means because the shows I am doing are incredible, the people here are fabulously talented and supportive of each other, and I am happy. I am honestly happy. Regardless, this busy schedule requires me to be very diligent in giving myself time to relax when I get it. Here is my schedule:
9am - 12pm - rehearsal
1pm - 5pm - rehearsal
6:30pm - 9:30pm - rehearsal

Busy, right? But things have been spaced out for me where I have not always been called throughout the entire day when I could be called. Yeah, looking at that schedule, I think “wow,” but it really does go back to how much I love what I’m doing. This is totally my first time doing summerstock. As busy as my schedule may be … it is so worth my time. Good stuff!

For some reason, I am at a high stress level at the moment. I have been rehearsing straight for almost two weeks and I have been enjoying myself, but I don’t feel relaxed at the moment. I have this anxiety in my stomach and it doesn’t feel good at all. As a performer, I am well aware that this isn’t the easiest job, but I love it. I am fully in love with what I do. Now I am sitting on my bed early in the morning and I can totally feel this burning sensation in my gut. It is far from fun. What shall I do for myself? I am going to try numerous things. One being - a half hour of quiet meditation. It is times like these when I just try anything and everything to calm myself back down. Sometimes the stress just comes on and it is hard to get rid of … but I am a believer in the power of the mind so I am going to focus on that for a bit. Do you have any suggestions? Don’t you ever just get stuck in a state of anxiety? I am not one who likes to sit in this kind of feeling. It is not a positive feeling. Alright, I am going to try some quiet time right now.

I am in love. I am in love with where I am right now. I’m doing a summerstock at Festival 56 in Princeton, Illinois.
So, we had our first cabaret last night. I honestly wanted everyone to be fabulous and felt there was great support for anyone who went up on that stage. It was a great feeling. I just wanted to hug everyone after I saw them perform.
When I went on the stage, I was a bit nervous for the wrong reasons. I have had experience doing cabarets in the past and have been ruthlessly judged. It doesn’t feel good when you know in your gut (and I trust my gut) when people aren’t really there to support you. G-d, it is an awful feeling. I am totally that person who can get really hurt by that. I am sensitive as ever. I wish I wasn’t, but I am.
But here, in this space, I feel safe and I feel like it is okay to try new things and “see what happens” without having to worry about being judged. It is a great and friendly atmosphere.

If anyone knows me, I am HUGE when it comes to doing my homework for a show. I am doing an exciting summerstock gig right now - four shows total. When did I start memorizing and rehearsing lines? When I got the script about a month ago? No. As soon as I was offered the contract and I knew I was going to take it, I went on Amazon.com to get my scripts. That was in February. Since then, I have been memorizing, reviewing, and studying my scripts. How did I mess up in my rehearsing - I totally didn’t read the directors/authors note at the beginning of the pages. This made a big difference for one of the plays that asks for a Texas dialect. So, now I have this new homework of working on my Texas dialect. Oy. When I first work on a dialect, for some reason, the New York dialect comes out when I am practicing. It’s funny to me cause I don’t even speak with a New York accent. I blame my mother. She’s from Long Island and apparently has an accent. Personally, I don’t hear it cause it sounds normal to me. It’s my mommy’s voice.
So, last night we had our first read - through of this wonderful play. I wasn’t so bad, but using the Texas dialect did throw me off a bit. I guess it just means I now have to review my lines everyday with the dialect. I’ll get it. I just need the practice and the time to put it in my body … which I totally have … time is on my side.

Today, I posted a series of blogs - 3 to be exact. It has an order in which you should read them. The first blog (directly below this one) is where you should begin and then continue scrolling down to review the other two. I must say that going back and reading these blogs really allows me to learn from my emotional mistakes.
I began auditioning in New York with a very positive attitude. It only took one, yes one, audition day for me to get frustrated and have my energy and positivity go away. I was not in a good place.
So, now, looking back, I realize that I have to be patient with the process and with myself. I have been spoiled with getting back to back gigs. Call it luck. I call it a blessing. Now, I am moving forward with my dreams and aiming for better things that will further my career. I absolutely love what I do. However, the love can be strong to a degree where I lose all patience and become and non-stop bitcher.
I am changing that character default of mine pronto!

That’s what I have been feeling when attending most of the auditions these days in New York. i find myself “on” and focused on my work despite all the possible distractions at an audition. I am focused on my work and able to let myself fully soar when I am in front of the casting director. Regardless of whether or not I am called back, the ultimate goal is to feel confident about what I showed them. … and I do. All the practice I have put into everything - from voice to acting to dancing - comes together in that room and I am able to give my best performance. It feels good.
The rest is up to the people behind the table. Am I what they are looking for? If they don’t call me back, it is easy to say “I am just not what they are looking for” because I feel confident that I did a good job. So what do I do? I keep showing up and I keep working on my stuff. I write them a postcard and thank them for the opportunity to audition. I stay in touch - especially when I am confident in what I showed them in the audition.
It’s pointless to shy away in this business and focus on being humble. It’s not like I am going around and shining an obnoxious flag saying (and please forgive me) “I just kicked ass in that audition.” No. Not at all. I just feel good and keep my head up in this rough audition process of rejection after rejection … until, I finally hit the jackpot with a contract.
I am not going to waste my time with finding my faults. Been there and done that. I have ripped myself to shreds in the past and I am done with that. I am not in the mood to throw yet another pity party for myself. I want to celebrate on all that I do have. I know what I have to offer on the stage and now I can confidently say that I am showing it in the audition room.
It is nice to be happy about the audition process right now … rather than get frustrated by it.

97 degrees. That was the temperature on this big audition day. The Fulton Theatre was holding auditions for Oklahoma. They had both a singer call and a dancer call in the same day. It was being held at AEA (the Equity building in New York). I am not in the union, but I was going to try to get in anyhow. The place was packed with union people as soon as the doors opened for the unfortunate nonunions to be seen. The air conditioning in the building was not working, so everyone was baking. It quickly drained me of any energy I had. I was ready to call it quits for the day from how exhausted I was from the morning. I waited three hours (or more) to learn The Fulton would not see any nonunion performers. I left my headshot and resume at 11:30am. Since I had the time, I traveled to Chelsea Studios, another audition spot in New York to sign up for Papermills production of Oklahoma (another union audition). I forgot to mention that as soon as I had signed up for The Fulton, I traveled to Chelsea Studios to sign up for Papermill … and then traveled back to wait on The Fulton (yes, it was a lot of back and forth traveling in the heat). Back to the story … so there I was at Chelsea Studios … for the second time. I was relieved to be sitting in the air-conditioning. I had to go outside in the wretched heat to get lunch. This may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, it was rough. My body was drained and the heat just kept taking and taking energy that I didn’t even know I had left. At 3:30pm, though still waiting to audition for Papermill, I headed to AEA to sign up for the dance audition for Fulton’s Oklahoma that was to begin at 4pm. … blah blah blah! How did it all end? Papermill typed me out by looking at my headshot so I never got to sing and I was too drained to find the energy to travel back to The Fulton’s dance auditions, let - alone trying to dance and mentally absorb a dance combination. I was a goner.
So, after the long day of auditioning, I was never seen. Man, that was a rough day.

I don’t like admitting this, but after a long day of not being seen for a single audition, I kind of need a whole day of recovery. I swear, I needed a violin as I wallowed in self-pity and grief for my dislike of my experience as a nonunion performer. It can really suck. Going from audition to audition and waiting around all day. Then you have to find some kind of energy left in your body to work and actually make money. When in reality, you want to be able to continue taking classes and growing in your singing/acting/dancing. This is my life and my passion and I really don’t think I have a choice in doing anything else. I would not be able to put as my energy into something I was not as much in love with. As I have said many times, the stage is the love of my life. It is the air I breathe. I would not have it any other way because I absolutely love what I do.
When I was sitting at AEA again today, I found myself so frustrated. It’s no ones fault. It is just how things are as a nonunion performer. I don’t like it, but I do have to accept it.
For now, in all of my recovery, I just need to sit here and feel sorry for myself cause I am just not in a good place. It happens.

I don’t believe in it. I went to a broadway show the other day and saw several people in the ensemble phoning it in. What does “phoning it in” mean? It means that a person doesn’t put his or her best into a performance and is kind of halfway there on the stage. I don’t like seeing this only because of how desperately I would LOVE to be on broadway. I have been told that it’s not all that it is made out to be (got that from the book Making It On Broadway), but the dream I have of being on those stages remains strong. My heart feels so overwhelmed (in a good way) when I go see a broadway show. The production value, the audience, the enormous stage - it is all such a dream for me. When I watch a show, I really can practically taste it. Man, to be able to look out from the broadway stage … as a performer … that makes me melt.
So, here I was, watching a broadway show and some of the performers were just not into it. I am trying my best not to judge because who knows what is going on backstage and where each person at in his or her life. But still, it made me cry. I didn’t mean to be over dramatic, but dude, I would kill to be in their spot. So, there I was, watching a broadway show and crying. I hid my face because ironically, it was a happy part in the show and my crying would not make any sense to others. I quietly let the tears come out and focused on the overall beauty of the show.
I don’t mean to be rude to the performers. I just WOULD LOVE to be in their shoes.

I was planning to be all mushy and emotional about saying goodbye to a dear dear friend from the show. We never went on that emotional journey. Instead, we ended up just having a good time at the cast party until my dear dear friend got drunk and I decided to leave with some hot guy. That’s how it ended. I can’t regret our good-bye. It is true that my inner drama queen wanted to have a huge balling session when session good-bye. Instinctually, that would have felt right for me. To cry. To be sad. It is sad.
This is a big part of the business. Making great friends in a show and the show comes to an end. Many times, friendships end as well because you simply are no longer near each other. There is a chance that you will remain in touch, but regardless, it is the end of an era.
For some people, they may be happier to just leave and not even bother with the whole “good-bye” thing.

I am just about to experience my final day of two shows. How am I feeling about it? Sad. Why? I have made a really good friend AND I am sad at the idea of not being on the stage for two weeks. Even if I am ready to move on, I completely live for the stage. In many ways, it is my heartbeat and keeps me sane.
As a child, I was always working so hard to get all of the attention. I put on these dance performances when my mother had a friend over for dinner. It was never choreographed. I would simply turn on a song and dance in front of the couches. I would should my mom’s name if I saw that she had stopped watching. I felt like I was shining (I don’t know what that means, but I did feel like when I danced an unexplainable light would emit from me). I only felt that when I performed.
Many years later, it is the same. Once I get on that stage, I feel so at home. No one can give me crap for “putting on a show” because that’s exactly what I am supposed to do.
So here I am, at the final day. I think I will just live in the moment and enjoy myself.

I have been one of those truly lucky people who has been working steady for a good period of time. Due to my fortune, I have not been living in New York steadily. The longest I have been in New York is a month (one time). Because of this, I have not truly lived in the city for a long time. At the end of this week, my contract will have ended and I will be back in New York City. I am not so sure how I feel about this. Nervous? Definitely. I may only be in the city for two weeks, but when I am in the city on August 10th, it will be the first time (in a long time) since I’ve lived there without knowing when my next gig is coming. This is makes me nervous. I get nervous about the whole survivor job and life balancing thing. I don’t have to worry about that when I am subletting. I am able to sublet out and my performing is my job. There are hardly any auditions going on around me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. I don’t have to run myself ragged and I get to do what I love. I do not like survivor jobs. Anything outside of the arts makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t stand survivor jobs. Yes, I may most likely earn more money when I work in the city, but it won’t be doing what I love. That makes all the difference … and that’s what makes me truly nervous.

I am in a mental debate about performer websites. Can there be an information overload? How much is too much information? I have like a million professional photos up on my website and I am starting to think it may be too much, but then I think, well … what if someone is wanting to see me in that look? What if I take off a particular photo and next thing I know - someone wants to see what I look like/assumes that I don’t have that look?
I am not Drew Barrymore, Uma Thurman, or Barbra Streisand - anyone with a name. I am still in the process of working my way to the top. I don’t feel I have the luxury to hold back information yet. Right now, I feel like I am still in need to sell myself even more because I am in the process of “building a name for myself.”
I did, however, delete a few things I posted on the web and that was on youtube.com. I have posted many videos on my account over time and went back to delete the crappy videos. I had sung this rendition of “Far from the Home I Love” while I had laryngitis and posted it on the web. It didn’t occur to me that people would think this was a final product. I posted me singing the song just to post it. Bad idea. I deleted that along with some other crappy performances.
So, now I am making a new promise to myself - only post things online if it is an awesome representation of me. As for the whole “less is more” thing, I still have to figure that one out.

Any thoughts?

I listened to my voice the other day and found myself not liking what I was hearing. I need to embrace the sound of my voice. It is a good voice. I just heard myself wishing that I sounded like other singers. I have a professional voiceover reel. It’s me doing several commercials. I remember listening to that and thinking I didn’t like the sound of my voice. It also didn’t help when I was having a showmance with a guy who said he could tell my age from the timber of my voice. Now that I think about it, I should have ended it with him then. … but that’s another subject. The point is that I am probably not alone on this one - accepting some kind of attribute I bring to the table as a performer. Obviously, we come as a certain thing and can’t change things only G-d can change. Say “higher power” if that was too religious of a statement for you. I want to love my voice. I feel soooooooooo good when I sing and I want to celebrate what I am able to do/express/experience. I suppose this is a part of the self - loving process, huh?

So, I attended another multiple theatre audition in Vero Beach, Florida on Monday, June 19th. I am proud to say that all of my hard work totally paid off. I feel very good about what I presented. I walked out there feeling very confident and the song I sang was dead on. I was called back to sing again and I was both emotionally and vocally there. It was a great feeling. Yes, I did a dance call and that felt fantastic, but I have always felt comfortable about the dance calls. The voice and acting takes more prep for me.
This is huge for me. Feeling confident. A new feeling that is so rewarding. I have worked so hard and continue to work hard for my success in theatre. I absolutely love what I do. There’s that unexplainable high when I am on the stage.
I have totally been that person who cracked in an audition, who totally sang the wrong song, who tricked coming in/coming out, spoke to much, kissed too much butt (I am totally bad at this even when I try because I feel so awkward and it shows), … you name it, there is a good chance I have done “the wrong thing” at an audition.
Now, I feel confident and I am going to enjoy this feeling as I keep getting more and more of it.