Always Auditioning

I am not a fan of being sore. I actually go several massages last week and I only think it made matters worse. Now I think I am actually recovering from the massages rather than the initial soreness.Yoga has definitely made a difference. But really, I think time will just make it go away. It’s not bad soreness, it is this kind of stiffness in my neck and other places where I was massaged - the back and such.
When I grew up in the ballet studio, I learned that the proper way to deal with soreness was to work through it. The only way I know how to work through my soreness is yoga. It used to be ballet, but now ballet has done so much damage to my body that I can’t get through an entire ballet class without some bad pains from old injuries coming out. At this point in my life, ballet is just bad for my body.

I remember how ballet used to feel so good on my body. No matter what soreness, I could work through it and eventually get past in through a ballet class.
I guess in time I have to face that my body has changed. I depend on a yoga class instead of a hardcore, body forcing ballet class. If you are still young in your body, make sure you properly take care of it. If you don’t you could easily have the aches and pains I have now from improper care.
Whatever. I’m just sore and feel like complaining.

Yesterday was one of those hardcore craving days. It was becoming a mental obsession - I wanted a frozen yogurt from a nearby ice cream shoppe. I was giving myself a long day of rest and doing practically nothing, so it was hard to get my mind off of my craving. So, I went out to go to the gym. There I did a half hour of cardio. When I left the gym, the craving had reduced a little, but was still there. I passed the movie theater on my way home and saw Wall-E was starting in 10 minutes. Perfect distraction! Only … I had no idea how great the distraction would be until I watched the movie.

It showed how humans would end up if they were on vacation for 700 years. It was awful to see how much they had disconnected from other people. They never stood up. Literally, they all lived in these floating and moving couches. They ate all day and talked on the phone. The hardly had to lift a finger unless they were eating. Everything was made into a shake - very unhealthy. Everyone was over weight and super lazy. After leaving the movie, the craving was completely gone. I don’t have hard days of cravings all the time, but sometimes, when it comes on, it feels like there is really no turning back.
Well, Wall-E, as ridiculous as it may still sound to you, totally helped me get past my craving.

I grew up completely obsessed and in love with turning. I would do it all the time in ballet class. I guess it kind of connects to the idea that little kids love to spin/twirl. In rehearsals, I would be doing it all the time. I got up to three turns while I was in high school and up to four turns while I was in college. It was so fun. I loved experimenting with all kinds of turns - with one leg out, holding onto a foot, and even sticking out my butt (that one just looked so funny).
Turning quickly became my strength as a dancer. It was impossible for it not to become that way. I was doing it all the time and I loved it. I was not a fan of jumping, therefore, that fell behind.
I didn’t realize that turning was a trick as much as it was a dance. When I first started to choreograph, all I wanted to do was have the girls turn. My ballet director taught me that it’s not always good to use the tricks because then you lose sight of the actual dancing. My focus changed and I got into the whole “performance mode” of dance. As tricks go, turning used to be my strength, but now I’m proud to say it is how I perform that really helps me stand out as a dancer. What makes you stand out?

Perspective. That’s all it takes. A good portion of the stars of today had to go through major obstacles just to get where they are now. I have two legs, two arms, a healthy body, … the basics to getting where I want to be as a performer.
Some people have more severe obstacles:

Watching this video really puts things in perspective, right?

Robert H. Schuller: Quotes about Winning
It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.

I don’t know if I could get past not having a leg or an arm. I am so dependent on my body. I am highly active and connected to every part of my being. I suppose, if I never had it, I would never know what I was missing. But then again, I guess I would dream about it a lot more. Watching the two dancers in the video really made their dreams to function normally happen. They are stunning to watch. Having one arms would completely throw me off my ballet. This ballerina pulls it off with such grace and human, internal strength. It’s beautiful. The man with one leg walks as though he has two legs. In fact, I haven’t seen a man walk so elegantly. Wow.

This video makes me want to take the word “impossible” and burn it.

I am not older and 100 percent wiser. In fact, I have gone through a long journey just to get back to the child-like part of myself. I went through this “more mature” stage and completely lost this goofy part of myself. I thought that goofiness was so far from the real me. I just finished reading this great book called “Quarterlife Crisis.” It really helped me get more of an idea of the way I want to travel through this part of my life. Though I am still in the midst of my “Quarterlife Crisis,” I feel like I have figured out so much about myself at this point in time. After college, I was in denial about how much self-doubt I was suppressing. 3 years after college, I finally faced it and I found myself feeling so awful when I looked in the mirror. I came upon a 12 step program for food addiction. Since I had lost my ability to be happy on my own, this program had the answers I needed. I thought I would need to the program forever, but soon learned that in time, I would grow out of the program. I got so many things from this program and still carry it with me - spirituality, self - love, compassion for others, the virtue of silence, the beauty of my over-the-top personality, my passion for performing, and my overall desire to love. So, here I am. Living in the “now” and finding gratitude even if I am still recovering from an awful virus that likes to take it’s time to leave my body. How the heck can I be grateful? I feel like I see all my options ten times more clearly. I see what I want out of life and I see myself going for it with a clear direction. I see myself standing up for myself and simultaneously respecting others more. I totally mess up and am totally not perfect, but I learn from my mistakes and celebrate when I see myself in the same situation and not making the same mistake again. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone, but I am at a great point of clarity in my life. It feels so good.

This is soooooo hard to do in a cast. I wish I could say it was always easy and I was always on my best behavior as was everyone else, but that is truly impossible. I do have this one, amazing friend who has the ability to get along with everyone. No joke. It is actually quite amazing to see him easily bounce from group to group. I asked him once - what is your secret? He said that he always seeks to understand people. And when he seeks, he truly understands. It makes sense. People love to be understood. You don’t have to agree, but to be understood - that is the root of it all. So, this is what my dear friend does … and everyone loves him. I am afraid to say that I am not as amazing as him. I do seek to understand, but sometimes, despite my “understanding,” I can sometimes disagree with that individuals choice/stance/opinion so much, that I could possibly dislike the individual. I am an easy girl to read, so the person would be able to easily tell if I did not agree.
Another good thing to recognize is that when you go into a show - you are usually put with most people you have never met before. During the first month, everyone is on their best behavior. … but people can only perform for so long. As another friend said, “After the first month, the masks come off and you know who your true friends are …” Which gets me to thinking - I did work with this one girl who was a great performer off stage. She was so good at being false to people and brown - nosing. I swear, it was like she took lessons from some “mind your manners” book. How did I feel about it? I didn’t like her and I was simultaneously jealous of her schmoozing skills. Overall, I am not a fan of false “niceness.” In general, I like to be honest. If I mess up, I want the opportunity to apologize and I would like the apology to be accepted (but I can’t expect everyone to meet my expectations - I’m not G-d and each person has a right to do what he/she needs to do). Wow, I could really talk about this forever. As usual … your thoughts/experiences?

I do not have the answer to this common dilemma. If I got an amazing tour, I would take it. However, I know that if I was in a serious relationship, it would become harder and harder to travel away from my loved one. People can do it - the more power to them, man, but I don’t know if I could trust the man. I guess it would be good to know that my loved one would stay faithful no matter what. That would be a good thing, right? It’s funny that I am writing about this and I could not be more single. I feel so single and unattached to any man right now that it scares me. I may be hopeful about some things, but nothing is solidified … therefore, it could all just be in my head. Okay, I am going off on the wrong tangent. Back to my point - is it possible to have a well-balanced life? I think it is. I think it takes a lot of time and effort, but I do believe that it is totally possible. I may be single, but I do have the confidence to say that I will have that someday. I will have a wonderful husband and a fabulous career. I will be happy “in good times and in bad.” Listen to me, I am saying vows to myself. Yes, I am totally a hopeless romantic who is completely in love with her career. Okay, enough babbling. What are your thoughts/experiences with this topic?

Why not? Depending on what is going on in my life, I make sure that I watch certain movies. Right now, I am going through a big change in my life. It is time for me to leap. “Leap and the net will appear” will always be one of my most favorite quotes. Well, that is exactly what I feel like I am doing. I could have continued performing with wonderful theatres, but not going anywhere in my career. I turned down opportunites to move my career to the next step and it totally freaks me out. All those awful, self-doubt questions want to take over my thoughts and I make a conscious choice to ignore them. In order to keep my brain on a positive track, I watch movies that inspire me. Here’s my list:
1. Working Girl
2. Little Black Book
3. Rudy
4. Flashdance
5. Centerstage
6. The Pursuit of Happyness
7. Coyote Ugly

There are a ton of movies out there that inspire me. I suppose you may think of some of these movies as cheesy/over-the-top, but they make me happy and help me believe that it can happen … even if the story seems a little “far out.” I have added some clips from youtube.com from two of the movies I have listed.

FLASHDANCE

RUDY

I don’t like to put all my eggs in one basket, however, it is definitely a challenge when attending each audition one at a time. I suppose it could become a blur, but then again, I do a lot of research and rehearsing for each audition … especially if I am coming to sing or perform a monologue. For instance, this week there was an audition for Rosalia for “West Side Story” and they wanted people to sing her solo in “America.”

Doing that song alone, I practice my vocal technique for that particular song, acting choices, emotional journey, body movements, and put it together to present an honest human being who can only sing because that is the best way she can express herself. It may sound ridiculous to some people to go into such depth, but I grow so much more as an artist every time I delve into a song like that. No, I don’t HAVE to go into each audition with such depth, but the more I fall in love with what I do, the more natural it is for me to go into such depths before each audition. With all the prep, it is really hard not to get my hopes up for each show. Does this make a difference in the outcome of each audition. Yes. It means I am always putting my best foot forward and constantly in a state of artistic growth.

You bet your butt I have a specific moment I dream about for when I get to be back on broadway (funny, I am already talking about it like I have already been on broadway). This clip from funny girl captures it perfectly. It’s when Barbra (Fanny) runs back into the theatre after she has been kicked out. She ends up on stage in a huge, empty theatre. It’s just her standing there - stage center - on a huge stage. … and she keeps on singing right there - center stage. There is a key thing that she doesn’t do that I would TOTALLY do once I was center stage. … and that is kiss the floor. I would totally kiss the floor. This is why I wouldn’t want anyone else to be there. I may get too embarrassed to actually follow through with the stage kiss. I don’t care if the stage is fuckin dirty! This is my dream and not yours, so leave me alone. I really would kiss the freakin floor. I’ve dreamed about this for a long time. When the moment happens, I will be in tears because I will be grateful. So, when you watch the video, in order to see “my moment,” you have to wait until you get halfway through the song. But it is worth seeing, simply so you can see what my dream is … so, what about you? We all have multiple dreams. Did one of yours come to mind when you read this? Don’t waste your time trying to analyze my personal dream. Take some time out for yourself and think of what you really want. It’s fun!

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
Henry David Thoreau

The end of wisdom is to dream high enough not to lose the dream in the seeking of it.
William Faulkner

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
Patrick Henry

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
Lanston Hughes

You cannot dream yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into one.
Henry D. Thoreau

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Dreams are the touchstones of our character.
Henry David Thoreau

The question for each man to settle is not what he would do if he had means, time, influence and educational advantages; the question is what he will do with the things he has. The moment a young man ceases to dream or to bemoan his lack of opportunities and resolutely looks his conditions in the face, and resolves to change them, he lays the corner-stone of a solid and honorable success.
Hamilton Wright Mabie

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
Paul Valery

A skillful man reads his dreams for self-knowledge, yet not the details but the quality.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our waking hours form the text of our lives, our dreams, the commentary.
Anonymous

Hope is the dream of the waking man.
French Proverb

To unpathed waters, undreamed shores.
William Shakepeare

If you are a female, this can be a big pain in the ass especially if you are in the performance industry. It is something we all have to watch out for even if we don’t want to. It’s also a very touchy subject for many people and they truly don’t like to openly talk about this. I have to talk about it. I have my own, personal issues with food and I find that talking about it helps keep me more sane. Man, if I go up a pound, my mind is ready to go bonkers. Three years ago, I weighed 130 lbs. I know, that is not much, however, I had a girl say to me “funny, you don’t look like a dancer” when I was that weight. It wasn’t just her comment. In general, I needed to slim down in order to look my best for my “type.” If I want to look fit, I have learned, with a nutritionist, that if I stay between 116 and 120 lbs., I’m okay. If I go any lower, that is when I start to look scary. While I was learning what was too low and so on, I was on the tour of “Mame.” I had just begun this rigorous schedule/way of eating and I was losing weight fast. My roommate, who eventually became a good friend, finally said, “Jenna, it’s starting to look a little scary.” I didn’t know exactly what she meant until I looked at the photos a few months after the tour. In fact, I have a hard time looking at the photos still because I really was too skinny. Despite the fact that I needed to gain weight, I didn’t like the process. I have grown used to wanting to lose weight. Wanting to gain weight - a whole different mind set and I didn’t like it. But I did - I gained the necessary weight back. Now, my weight is staying in a regular spot. A huge part of me wants to have major control, but I can’t let my brain go there. Too stressful. I will just eat what I am told to eat and call it a day.

I have come to a huge realization in my life.

The first and most important thing - I can’t expect/assume that I know exactly what I want out of life. Second, I have to make sacrifices in order to get the career of my dreams. What made this come up - looking for a survivor job. I have done many of these “survivor jobs” and I can safely say that I am not fond of any of them. The one that pays the most is catering. So, here I am with the obvious solution in front of me and I don’t want to do it … however, I will do it. Why? I am willing to make the small and I mean SMALL sacrifices in order to get where I want to get in my career. If I need to make the money in order to continue attending auditions and I need the job flexibility, well then, I have to learn to be flexible as well. So, as Celine Dione puts it, “A New Day Has Come,” and I am going to embrace what I have to do in order to live the life of my dreams.

Allergies can really suck balls. Until now, I have never had allergies in New York. In fact, NY has been a safe-haven for my body since I have gotten back to the city, my allergies have grown worse and worse. Today, I woke up with a completely hoarse voice. Luckily, I will be seeing my voice therapist tomorrow. Today, I am resting and remaining mute for the day. I have no choice. I have to get proper medications for myself ASAP on Monday. I pray that by tomorrow I will be 100% better, but my body and voice may need more time while the prescription drugs kick in. Man, I had no idea that my allergies could become so bad. I haven’t been this sick in awhile and I feel happy to say that. I am also very grateful that I don’t have a gig. “The lord works in mysterious ways.” So, now I have to get some more sleep and not talk. I can do that. I have had to do that for an entire month in the past, so I can totally do this. It’s the whole aspect of patience. In the past, I have been known to be so far from patience. Now, I am just biding my time as my body heals itself. Like I said at the beginning of this post - allergies suck balls.

It doesn’t happen to me all the time, but sometimes, I finish a gig right when I am starting to really connect with more people in the cast. I have already been having a wonderfully challenging summer. If I hadn’t been happy enough with my work situation, there was always the wonderful people who surrounded me. I truly enjoyed my experience this summer and I feel like it was only going to get better. Good people and fantastic company. Wait … I am getting sidetracked … the point I am trying to make (I think) is that good things keep coming my way. All the friendships I have made. Blessings. Every single person is a blessing. I may be doing what I love, but it would not be the same if I was amongst a group that didn’t welcome me with open arms. I am so grateful for this experience. I don’t want it to end, but it really is time for me to move onto the next part of my life. It is scary to leave a place I really could call home, but my hunger is strong and I need to be in New York. Wow. So many emotions are flowing through me right now. I have said “good-bye” so many times and it never gets easier. I really do love my life.
Here is a video I made as a farewell and thank you to the director of “Vanities.” It was one of my many wonderful experiences this summer.