Always Auditioning

I am just about to experience my final day of two shows. How am I feeling about it? Sad. Why? I have made a really good friend AND I am sad at the idea of not being on the stage for two weeks. Even if I am ready to move on, I completely live for the stage. In many ways, it is my heartbeat and keeps me sane.
As a child, I was always working so hard to get all of the attention. I put on these dance performances when my mother had a friend over for dinner. It was never choreographed. I would simply turn on a song and dance in front of the couches. I would should my mom’s name if I saw that she had stopped watching. I felt like I was shining (I don’t know what that means, but I did feel like when I danced an unexplainable light would emit from me). I only felt that when I performed.
Many years later, it is the same. Once I get on that stage, I feel so at home. No one can give me crap for “putting on a show” because that’s exactly what I am supposed to do.
So here I am, at the final day. I think I will just live in the moment and enjoy myself.

I have been one of those truly lucky people who has been working steady for a good period of time. Due to my fortune, I have not been living in New York steadily. The longest I have been in New York is a month (one time). Because of this, I have not truly lived in the city for a long time. At the end of this week, my contract will have ended and I will be back in New York City. I am not so sure how I feel about this. Nervous? Definitely. I may only be in the city for two weeks, but when I am in the city on August 10th, it will be the first time (in a long time) since I’ve lived there without knowing when my next gig is coming. This is makes me nervous. I get nervous about the whole survivor job and life balancing thing. I don’t have to worry about that when I am subletting. I am able to sublet out and my performing is my job. There are hardly any auditions going on around me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. I don’t have to run myself ragged and I get to do what I love. I do not like survivor jobs. Anything outside of the arts makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t stand survivor jobs. Yes, I may most likely earn more money when I work in the city, but it won’t be doing what I love. That makes all the difference … and that’s what makes me truly nervous.

I am in a mental debate about performer websites. Can there be an information overload? How much is too much information? I have like a million professional photos up on my website and I am starting to think it may be too much, but then I think, well … what if someone is wanting to see me in that look? What if I take off a particular photo and next thing I know - someone wants to see what I look like/assumes that I don’t have that look?
I am not Drew Barrymore, Uma Thurman, or Barbra Streisand - anyone with a name. I am still in the process of working my way to the top. I don’t feel I have the luxury to hold back information yet. Right now, I feel like I am still in need to sell myself even more because I am in the process of “building a name for myself.”
I did, however, delete a few things I posted on the web and that was on youtube.com. I have posted many videos on my account over time and went back to delete the crappy videos. I had sung this rendition of “Far from the Home I Love” while I had laryngitis and posted it on the web. It didn’t occur to me that people would think this was a final product. I posted me singing the song just to post it. Bad idea. I deleted that along with some other crappy performances.
So, now I am making a new promise to myself - only post things online if it is an awesome representation of me. As for the whole “less is more” thing, I still have to figure that one out.

Any thoughts?

I listened to my voice the other day and found myself not liking what I was hearing. I need to embrace the sound of my voice. It is a good voice. I just heard myself wishing that I sounded like other singers. I have a professional voiceover reel. It’s me doing several commercials. I remember listening to that and thinking I didn’t like the sound of my voice. It also didn’t help when I was having a showmance with a guy who said he could tell my age from the timber of my voice. Now that I think about it, I should have ended it with him then. … but that’s another subject. The point is that I am probably not alone on this one - accepting some kind of attribute I bring to the table as a performer. Obviously, we come as a certain thing and can’t change things only G-d can change. Say “higher power” if that was too religious of a statement for you. I want to love my voice. I feel soooooooooo good when I sing and I want to celebrate what I am able to do/express/experience. I suppose this is a part of the self - loving process, huh?

So, I attended another multiple theatre audition in Vero Beach, Florida on Monday, June 19th. I am proud to say that all of my hard work totally paid off. I feel very good about what I presented. I walked out there feeling very confident and the song I sang was dead on. I was called back to sing again and I was both emotionally and vocally there. It was a great feeling. Yes, I did a dance call and that felt fantastic, but I have always felt comfortable about the dance calls. The voice and acting takes more prep for me.
This is huge for me. Feeling confident. A new feeling that is so rewarding. I have worked so hard and continue to work hard for my success in theatre. I absolutely love what I do. There’s that unexplainable high when I am on the stage.
I have totally been that person who cracked in an audition, who totally sang the wrong song, who tricked coming in/coming out, spoke to much, kissed too much butt (I am totally bad at this even when I try because I feel so awkward and it shows), … you name it, there is a good chance I have done “the wrong thing” at an audition.
Now, I feel confident and I am going to enjoy this feeling as I keep getting more and more of it.

Being in a dressing room can be challenging. Life happens. People are always going through crap in their lives and pushing through it. It totally sucks. I am pointing this out because it is so easy to get caught up in my own situation. Heck, I do it all the time. Then, I forget about myself and start paying attention to others and find myself wanting to be Ms. Fix It. Don’t worry, I didn’t butt in and become a royal pain. People are going to have ups and downs in life. and some of them will be really bad. If he/she wants to talk to me about it, I will let that person come to me. I am available and ready for any help I can offer. In the meantime, I keep a respectful distance and focus on the positive. Maybe that will have a way to help the person cope - only hearing positive things come from my mouth.
So, before you judge a person on any day, keep your ear open and seek to understand where the person is coming from … until you know, don’t judge. Be open, supportive, and loving. Positive energy is key.

This is the highlight of my week. I have been looking forward to this video shoot all week. You might be thinking - what the heck is this for? My vocal demo reel. That is the quick and straight to the point answer. Yes, I already have a vocal demo reel and it isn’t good enough. I have a dance demo reel that make me very happy and the vocal reel need to be at the same level. I got advice from people who have auditioned me. The songs where they said “wow” are the ones I am recording - “Lady Marmalade” (I know it’s hard to believe at first cause I am not that type) and “I’m A Star.” Basically, I am throwing my high belt in the reel. Why do I can so much about this reel? First of all, I always care about everything I put out there. Second, I am going to start submitting to agents because I feel ready. I am a great place in my career as an artist and I am ready to be seen for bigger and better things (Broadway - of course - word). So, here I am in my dress, lashes, and all typing away because I am really looking forward to this film shoot. It is going to go by so quickly. My biggest goal today is to enjoy myself in the moment. Focusing on the future will only get me to miss out on the beauty of the moment. Wish me lots of fun!

It is really hard to find the balance of how much you should/shouldn’t move when singing a song. It is easy to end up looking unnatural, stiff, or like one of those contestants who do too much dancing when they sing for American Idol.
As I work on a particular song, “I’m a Star,” that is exactly what I find myself toying with - what is too much and what is too little. Finding the organic movements that will let me fully be at the emotional height I feel when I sing the song. I heard that since I have a dance background, it is not unusual for me to have this struggle.

So, how do I find the perfect amount of movement? I work with an acting coach. Plain and simple. When I work with him, I find myself exploring things I never thought to explore. I feel myself hitting places that I didn’t realize I was holding back until the coach says something and it is brought out of me. Some movements that seem so awkward and unnatural can sometimes be the best choices.
If you think about it, as humans, we are hardly graceful all the time. We are human and can look awkward, but it is the feeling that comes from within that makes us move certain ways. The feeling that erupts from inside and gets us to move naturally at a high point - that is something work connecting to - especially when doing a musical theatre song.
Any thoughts? Do you have a different opinion?

Okay, by now, all the men out there probably cringed. Before I get into this very important topic, I am going to acknowledge the cringing men through a single statement. If men a period once a month, they would never stop complaining/bitching/moaning/talking about it. With that in mind, woman are very quiet.
As a woman, PMS completely messes with the body and the mind. We all know this. We get moody and feel gross. Also, our voice is more sensitive and we are forced to sing lighter and more cautiously. If there is any virus going around, we have to stock up on the vitamin C since we are more vulnerable. Any ache or pain we already have in our body increases. Our emotions start to soar and we find ourselves ready to cry at the drop of a penny. I get very paranoid. I start to feel like everyone is against. I mentally lock myself in a closet and feel all alone. Everything annoys the crap out of me. Patience becomes a foreign language.

As a performer, we have to be emotionally on all the time when on a gig. No one is perfect. It is definitely harder to stay on when it gets to that time of the month. What do I suggest? I suggest communicating and plenty of alone time. Sit with yourself and do small things that make you feel happy. Journal about your feelings and get them out to avoid lashing out at an innocent being. It takes extra effort to keep yourself centered. Don’t start blaming others for your erratic emotions. That will only cause more emotional trauma.

If you are pms-ing, there is a good chance you are rolling your eyes at this entire blog. Dude, slap yourself. You’re doing the pms thing. Force yourself to be open and put yourself in a better place. Trust me, it is so worth it and you deserve to be smiling on the inside and out.

Okay, first of all, you may be wondering why I am talking about “healing” in the first place. As performers, we build up all this emotional baggage. It is always good to explore ways to calm down and center ourselves. “Find that happy place.” So, why not read on and see if this tool may help you out when you are in a bad place.
I had never heard about this concept before. It doesn’t need to be done with instruments. The human voice is an easy way to heal with sound. Now, don’t think I am talking about singing, there is a difference.

A good way to get an idea of what I am talking about it is by applying this exercise. Close your eyes and let yourself become fully aware of how you are feeling. Then commit that into sound. Make noises that emit whatever you are feeling. Keep doing it until you naturally feel you have released the emotion. This doesn’t take as long as you would think.
I did this and let out sounds that expressed the tension I have been feeling. All of the stress that has been building up - I committed it to sound. When I had finished, I felt unbelievably better. I had released the tension. I may have to do it again and regularly. It was fantastic because I really felt healed.
I understand if you don’t want to do it around another person. I didn’t. I made sure I was all alone. I wanted to not judge any of the noises I would make and fully experience this unique way to heal.
What are you waiting for? Try it. If anything, it can really put you in a good place right before an audition or a show.

I remember the day when cell phones were not big at all. People would talk to people when they were at home. Now I can’t imagine to be “unreachable.” I remember when pagers were the huge thing. I never got into that because I thought it just was a waste. Life was so chill.
I did have plenty of friends who used a pager. Now those things seem like they are from the stone age. Craziness!
With constant travel and the need to be available at all times on the cell phone (who knows when Broadway will call), I found myself in search for the trick to manage my cell phone minutes so I wouldn’t have to worry about going over.

Then Verizon decided to lower the price for unlimited minutes. I jumped on it. It has made a huge difference in my business life. Yes, I do use my cell phone for work … probably more often than I use it for social matters. My biggest thing lately has been calling advertising agencies to find out if they have a department where I can submit my voiceover. As a performer, I really feel more and more allergic to all the food service and other random survivor jobs I have to do in-between jobs. I can’t stand them. As time passes, I feel like I only have room in my heart for the stage. Anything else feels like torture.
So, I am now beyond grateful for cell phones and the lower, more affordable unlimited minutes prices. It gets me so much closer to my dreams. Yay!

Okay, hearing those words would normally make my ears complete turn off whatever else had to be said, however, I found myself completely involved and interested in this concept. It is based off of the concepts from “The Secret.” If you are a traveling performer, you can have a mini shrine to bring with you everywhere.
This shrine would have little pieces of all your dreams, goals, and aspirations for life. It doesn’t need to a be a big deal. I have a dear friend who takes time out in the morning and then once in the evening with his shrine. He lights a candle and takes the time to focus and visualize each goal. As he does this, it puts him in a positive state of mind for the day and re-positions himself right before he goes to bed.
It was in the middle afternoon when I learned about this way to stay positive and I was eager to get started. I already travel with collages that help me visualize what I want from life. I picked up each small collage and really put energy into each dream. It felt so good. I honestly felt myself on that Broadway stage. The heat of the lights and the smiling face of a particular director I would love to direct me on Broadway. Yes, this is all about the laws of attraction. Even if you are not a believer in this concept, I highly recommend that you try this out simply because it feels so good.
Now I am smiling throughout my body and life simply couldn’t feel better.

What is most important to you? Do you know? Do you have it in an order or have you never fully thought about it? Do you fear the answer? In many ways, I feel like my order of importance list changes on a daily basis. With my love for the theatre, I do forget about the importance of my family and friends at times. It’s not a good thing and it is very true. And as my love for the stage grows, I get lost. Like I said, this is not a good.
My family is my homebase. They center me and we all love each other no matter what. Money cannot by that kind of love and I personally feel that it would be stupid of me to not keep my family at the top of my list. It can be like that with friends as well. At the same time, my family and dearest friends are not here with me, so I find myself engulfed in my work - my true love. The more time I spend away from my family and my friends, I forget. I am not saying that your order of importance has to be the same as mine. Absolutely not. But have you asked yourself this important question? Have you been wasting your time focusing on less important things? … just a thought …

It is hard to calm down if you think so much about your future. That is exactly what I do - I spend most of my day dwelling or taking the steps I can in the moment that can assure that I will reach my dreams. I get my sleep these days, but I having been waking up groggy. I get my 8 hours. I even had that eye twitch in my left eye a couple days ago. It was funny doing the show with that going on.
It’s the stress. I put too much on myself. I revolve around the same thoughts over and over. This repetition is not working for me. I get no resolve because “I can’t save the world in one day.” … but if I could, I would.
Do you go through this or not? If not, what do you do for yourself to not drive yourself mad? If you do relate, what do you do to get yourself out of this?