Always Auditioning

I got this poster that had this quote on it when I was a child. It made me confused. I didn’t get what it meant. I hung it up anyway because I was so proud I won it at a fair, but I really didn’t get it. I thought it was a misprint. … how fortelling ..
Ironically, this is something I struggle with - fully loving myself. I know myself pretty well, but there is still a lot I don’t know and don’t understand. The biggest one is how I am not one who wants to go out and party all the time. When I do go out, I have a good time. I do. But there are VERY FEW times when I want to be out so late.
I may have mentioned this before - I am a morning person. There are very few morning people in this business. In fact, it is more common to find nocturnals in show business. I am not one of them. It’s so easy to feel alone and find an excuse to feel alone. It can be addictive to surround yourself with self pity. How miserable. I don’t want anything to do with self pity. I am too good for it. And so are you. It would be understandable why I would feel “alone,” but where is that going to get me? You may have a different reason to feel sorry for yourself or wallow in self pity, but it is only detrimental to yourself and your career. How can you be at your best when you don’t embrace everything you see in the mirror.
So, now that I go over this quote that didn’t make sense to me years ago, I get it. I do. Now I’m working on applying it … just as you should. Why is it so wrong to like yourself for who you are?

You have to give yourself time off and I constantly forget that. I burned myself out. Yesterday was my day off and I wanted to get work done, only I couldn’t because I was completely burned out. I didn’t have it in me. By the end of the day, I got a sudden wind of energy and was able to work a little on my book about the life of nonunion musical theatre performers. I was typing up an interview I did and found myself getting a message I needed to hear. In response to a question (the question itself is not important), my interviewie went off subject and started talking about how “Everyone should have a life. They should hang out with friends and family. Make time for it.” As I typed up this response, I automatically applied it to myself. Dude, I don’t have a life outside of theatre in this cast. It all depends on the cast and on the demands of the job. I do things on my off time, but it’s mostly work - related. Social stuff? No, I am not as social as I would like to be, but I don’t really mesh with anyone in this cast. There are a couple people I would be interested in spending time with, however, these individuals have not shown the interest. On top of that, going out requires me to use my feet and spend money, which I don’t have, … I mean, I have my feet, but I’m still healing from my injury so it’s good for me to sit on my time off. I’ve been in a cast where we went out and did fun things together. It all happened naturally, I had a life, and I had a blast. I was still getting work done and was living in the perfect balance. Now, I just don’t have that going on with my cast. It is always a gamble. If I am “a loner,” I’m not going to sit on my butt and watch tv all day. No, I get work done. I might as well take advantage of the situation and I DO. It’s easy to say “have a life,” but in this field, the way you live your life all depends on the current cast and setting you are living in. Right now, it is not ideal for me, but who knows how things will work out in the future. If anything, I always put my job first (rest, relaxation, focus, dedication, etc.), then I figure out what works best for me to not lose try of my purpose. Am I making any sense?

… you are grateful? Have you ever gotten yourself so wrapped up in the moment where you found yourself completely overwhelmed by all the good your life that tears naturally started to fall? I only ask because this happened to me a couple days ago and it still rings strongly in my heart. In case you didn’t know, I suffered from a BAD foot injury. I have been SLOWLY healing from it, and I must add, that I’ve been pretty patient. Where does the gratitude come in? Well, I was in the shower and without even thinking, I went up to the balls of my feet (weight on both feet). When I put my heels down, I realized that I didn’t feel one bit of pain. To be having continuous pain for a pretty long amount of time - it starts to get hard to believe the pain will ever go away. I cried. I had this huge (probably really ugly) smile on my face. If you didn’t know why I was crying, you may have been concerned. The gratitude I felt and still feel from that realization was overwhelming. Frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t get on my knees and start shouting “Thank you, G-d” over and over. I suppose the tears said it all. I had never cried so hard because of my gratitude before. Have you?

It sucks, but sometimes it really is all about “who you know” in this business. I have seen shows where the girl who was to play the female ingenue couldn’t have been cast worse. She seemed like she could be a good dancer, but I’m not sure cause I really didn’t get to see her dance. But all her physical choices, were very graceful and not human. It was just plain bad casting. I’m sure the girl may possibly be talented … I didn’t see her shine in this show.
Do I get annoyed when this happens? Absolutely. Do I invest a lot of my time with my annoyance? No. I move on and focus more on how I can better myself as a performer and as a human being to get myself seen. I use my reaction as adrenaline to improve myself. Simultaneously, I am not the ingenue type, so it is easier for me to “get over it.” There is just so much talent out there. We all know it. It’s what makes us work harder for what we want … hopefully. Why not take something negative and turn it into a positive? There may be some mis-casting that goes on out there, but you have to get over it. Make the changes within yourself to put yourself above the situation.

NO! Get it out of your thick scull that there is an easy way to make money. It does make a difference when you love what your doing. You have to put in the work if you want to earn moeny. End of story. I have been one of the many desperate people who searches online for the “answer to my prayers.” It’s not out there. And the people who write about these easy ways to make money, make money from people like me reading the blogs. I am provide the writer site traffic and they therefore make a ton of money off of me. I’m not bitter, I’m just starting to really see the truth in all of this. Like most people in the US, I would love to make more money. Dude, lord knows I want a house on the beach. I repeat - ON THE BEACH, so it’s natural for me to want a higher income. If you are a fellow performer and in the business, let me ask you this? What risks do you plan to take in order to make money. Will you pay the requested 200 dollar fee to “process rebates?” Do you actually think the job you are trying to do is legitimate? If so, where is your proof? The writing on the website that’s sole purpose is to hook you in? Just think about it. There are better ways to make money.

On or off? I don’t like having to ask myself that question when seeing a fellow performer. Is the person planning to have a good day or a bad day? Does the person want to be left alone? Will the sound of my happy voice annoy you and give you reason to give me random attitude that I don’t deserve? If you haven’t guessed yet, I deal with this everyday with a different performer in the cast. It is annoying and obnoxious. I don’t think there is ever a good enough reason to throw an attitude towards someone who has not done anything to put you in a bad mood in the first place. If I was not in this business and did not have to worry about “burning bridges” and connections, I would soooooooo put these people in their place. A huge part of me misses when I was able to be like that - last time I remember I could be like that was in high school. Man, it felt good to be able to fully defend myself and smash people down. I know I may sound evil, but it felt good to value myself enough to put people down when they tried to tear me down. Actually, come to think of it, I dealt with rudeness less often. I think it was simply because people knew they would not get through stepping on me without a harsh reaction. But now, I like to think, that my silence and unending kindness, shows that I value myself even more now. My career. My passion. My heart. I stay “nice” when I am treated poorly because I value my future so much more than trying to let a person see what an asshole he is being. Waste of my time and energy. I guess you can say I am a fan of the tactic - “kill ‘em with kindness.”

I am poor. This is a common problem for a WORKING performer. I am not talking about a performer who is waiting tables. That person has a much better income than a working performer. I am one of them. As a working performer, I do have an income. The income is so freakin small. I don’t even know if I can call myself a part of the middle class with my small freakin income. No, I will not tell you how much I make per week - just know that it is ridiculously low. I have am sometimes lucky enough to make some side money, but I do pretty much depend on what I make from performing and that scares me.
I wish performers made more. i wish there was more of a demand for live theatre. If there was, I would like to think that our income would be much higher. It is kind of pointless to delve into the “what ifs” because there isn’t anything I can do to change this monetary problem for working performers.
And lets be really honest, I would love to be able to afford so many things, but I just can’t. I grew up in a wealthy family and now I am pinching my pennies. Would I drop my profession to make more money. Absolutely not. Would you? If so, do it now because you are in the wrong profession if you are in it for fame and fortune.

Okay, I have a strong opinion about something. Drugs. I don’t care so much if a person drinks or even does pot outside of a show. I do however, don’t respect a person who uses any other drug when I am in a show with him or her. I recently found out that I had worked with a person who was doing cocaine. For me, all respect for that person is automatically and completely lost. When on stage with others, we are putting full trust in each other. What do you think? Nothing will change my very strong opinion. I will never defend drugs. Waste of my time because there is more bad than good. Period. Normally, I really don’t give a *&^% what a person does outside of a show. Drugs? NO. That is a huge limit for me. No way. I do not accept it. Everybody is different and it can take different amounts of time to come off a drug. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about sharing the stage with this individual anytime soon.

Listening. Listening is one of the hardest things to do as a dancer. As a performer. Listening to my body when it needs time off is very difficult. When you are on a roll with doing a show, you don’t get time off. shows run for such a short period of time in the first place. Shows usually run only two to three months in nonunion regional theatres. That is the case for me right now. I have sprained, strained, and bruised bones in my left foot. I have taken four weeks off to be able to go back into this current show I’m in. My foot is better than it was, but it is not 100%. My foot does not feel fantastic and if this job was longer, I would take the month or so I need off to completely heal. So, the healing process will take a little longer and I have to really be careful not to jump as high or put too much on my left foot as I dance. So, for me this show is all about listening to my body. I am out there smiling and you wouldn’t have a clue that I have any kinks in my body. That makes me happy because it goes to show I can get my job done and do it well no matter the obstacle. All this is possible because I listen to my body. Do you listen to yours?

That is just another way to say “believe in yourself.” This is a topic I am going to constantly touch upon because it is something I strive for everyday. I don’t want to care about what other people think or say. I don’t want to be disturbed by statements made by others. I can hear a person say a wonderful compliment to another person and turn it into a negative thought. Why isn’t this person saying the compliment to me? Am I really lacking that much talent? Why can’t I get that compliment? Do I suck? Oh, yes, the brain totally goes there. Then I have to go through this whole mental argument and convince myself that the person speaking doesn’t know shit and I really am fabulous. Or I go through a whole excuse page on why I may not be seen as such a great performer as the person receiving the compliment. It’s a vicious cycle that I am fully aware of - and I know I am not the only one who struggles with these thoughts. If anything, I think it is good for me to realize and see I do all this in the moment - therefore showing where I still need to grow in my self confidence.

Believe it or not - keeping in touch with people is a very important part of this business. You have to. Yes, keeping in touch with your friends, no matter how much you love them, can sometimes feel like a job. Here’s what I do - when I start to think about a friend, I call him or her. I have different friends for different things. Next thing I know, I have been keeping in touch with my friend. i don’t call everyday and spend a lot of time doing it (I’m saying this in case you hate the phone or the very idea of “keeping in touch”). Every once in a blue moon, I make contact with a dear friend and it feels so fantastic.
When coming into a new cast, it is not always easy to fully connect with everyone. For me, I often find myself the odd one out because I don’t like wasting money on going out to eat all the time, I don’t drink, I eat very healthy, I hardly go out to parties because I like getting enough sleep, I refuse to formulate friendships over something negative, and I love mornings. With those things alone, I already have my own thing going on that can sometimes turn people off. I don’t take it personally because I seriously like my life as it is, but when I want to open up to someone and talk about my life, it can be hard to find the right “friend” to talk to … like having my close friends around. I am not going to formulate a close bond with just anyone and neither are you. It’s an unfortunate facts of life. But that’s besides my point. When you keep in touch with friends, you will never find yourself alone. You will always be connected and able to be there for each other at any time.

In order to be available to my friends during the day time, I am now changing my phone plan to unlimited minutes all around. It is more affordable now and it’s time I did it. Plus, it will only make keeping in touch ten times easier with my friends. Do you make any efforts to keep in touch with people?

I am in the process of getting into a new run of this show and I am enjoying myself. I am still working on a regular warm-up routine for this show. I love being here in Florida and being in this comforting warmth. I have so many goals in mind for myself while I’m here. So many, that I could understand why someone would put off the goals and not a get a thing done. Not me. We have enough days where there’s only one show per day.
I have not had this much down time ahead of me in the longest freakin time. I’m overwhelmed by how wonderful all of this is. Yay!!!
Don’t worry, I will make sure I have some good times while I’m here in Florida. However, I am most definitely taking advantage of this time and getting my career to leap forward. I have work until August 10th and i’m totally going to get booked for great things. I can feel it!

Okay, so I have been slow with posting my blogs. Some of the were written a couple days ago and I never got around to posting them. Not a big deal. if anything, I am happy I have the time to post them now. Enjoy!

Don’t waste your time comparing yourself to another person. I know that is hard to do, but it only goes against you rather than for you. it will get you to stop focusing on how to improve yourself, and therefore, waster time and energy thinking abotu someone else. It will fill you with negative energy. Gratitude will be hard to come by because you won’t have what someone else has - you will be unsatisfied. you will find your thoughts will go in the same, continuous circle that will totally drive you mad. Not fun. Far from fun. Even if you think the roller coaster ride of comparison is good for stop and ask yourself, “Have I repeated this thought process? Am I thinking about the same thing over and over?” If you don’t think so, journal about your thoughts - 3 pages. See what you notice. What come up over and over? Are these thoughts actually getting you anywhere? Probably not. Let go of the comparisons. look in the mirror and acknowledge all that you have!

For me, that’s a total process. I have to constantly work on a song and perform it in front of people to really learn how to own it. Wow. That was a run on sentence and I’m totally not going to fix it. Anyhow, that’s what I’m doing this this beautiful song by Scott Alan, “I’m a Star.” I have a specific vocal technique, different acting choices, and physicalities that are coming together more and more every time I work on the song. It feels good - where it is going. I like it. The pianist I have been working with bangs on the piano and fails to listen to the singer, so I’ll have to continue being in tune with my vocal instrument to not push. Eventually, as i grow with the song, i’ll become more comfortable and shine as much as I’d like. Nothing will distract me. I’ll get there. For now, i am just continuing with my home work on the song. It gets better everyday. Patience is key. I have it on video from doing last night’s cabaret, but I am not going to share this clip. I am using it to grow, and eventually, completely own this beautiful song.