Always Auditioning

I am a highly independent person. I am very spiritual and do rely on a higher power/G-d, but to most people I am just extremely independent. I know what I want and I go for it. My passion for this job moves me forward. Nothing can stop me from moving forward, but there are some things that can slow me down. I am talking about my recent romantic/whatever you would call it adventure. I was doing just fabulous and then HE came along. I was distracted in a good way. It had been a long time since I really liked everything about a guy. It was tough to find his flaws. Yet, even when I discovered his flaws, I was so into all the things I liked, I didn’t care. My thoughts, though still on my career, went into thoughts about him as well. It was 50-50. I QUICKLY let him into being a part of my life. I got used to it and it became normal for me. Then it ended. Luckily, he wasn’t in my life for long. It has taken me a week to move on. If anything, I became an “extra workaholic” to help distract myself when i was getting used to being alone again. Funny. I’ve been single for such a long time that I never thought of it as being alone. I enjoy myself when I’m alone. … and it doesn’t feel like I am alone because of all the supportive friends and family in my life. But when a boy comes into my life, I forget and depend on him. I’m back to “going solo” now, but how do I stop myself from giving so much of me to a guy so quickly?

Okay, so this is a very important thing to have as an artist and is a lot harder to find when your job could possibly be your hobby. What do I like to do on my “off - time?” I like to go out dance or wail at a karaoke bar. Since this is my job, my body needs rest to be able to perform it’s very best. Ironically, my hobby would seem like work to another person, but for me, it is a fun activity. I like learning how to use a computer program like Quicken and get more organized with my expenses. I like to learn how to track the amount of people looking at my website through googleanalytics. I even love finding more things to work on. You could call me a workaholic, but for me it is so much more than that. I love my work. I do. I absolutely love it. I suppose that one hobby of mine, songwriting, would be one many people could relate to, but simultaneously, I take it much more seriously than an other person would. My hobbies may not be the typical hobby, but they are saviors to me. Do you have a hobby?

I am still working on my audition book. I had finished it a couple years ago, but as time passes, my love for some of the songs I chose vanished. Sometimes I never truly realize a song is wrong for me until I try it a couple times in a few auditions. I hear how others sound or sense that I am not showing myself off as much as I could. Then begins the procrastination because it is only one song that needs to be changed. The songs that need to be replaced start to add up and I find myself with a lot of work to do. The one song that is the most difficult for me to find is a country song. I don’t like country music. There are the more contemporary, pop - sounding country songs, but when going into an audition, people want to hear the “real deal.” How the heck does a person find a song to love in a musical genre she dislikes? I don’t have a solution to this one. Any ideas?

What does this have to do with our business? Let me answer that question with another question - how does it not have anything to do with our business. If you meet a guy during a run of a show, even if he is not in theatre, the chances of the relationship/whatever it is working out are slim. We have many odds going against performers with the constant travel. You may be the person who wants to continue the “whatever it is” and the other may have made it more of a showmance for himself. You can communicate to the best of your ability, but the full truth may not come out until the show comes to an end. That’s when you truly know. I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to accept it cause there is no changing anything. It makes it no surprise when songs like “Scrubs” and “I Hate Men” are written. I don’t like jumping on that bandwagon, but when a person gets hurt/left/all the above, can you blame him/her?

I got a great piece of advice from a friend and fellow cast member yesterday. Less is more. My foot is still on the mend from a sprain. It is healing slowly but surely. It is better everyday, but in little increments. It is hard not to talk about it, especially when I am at the show. My friend informed me, from her own experience, that is best not to talk about my injury unless someone asks about it. Otherwise, people will get annoyed. Got it. Sucks though. I do wish I had one of my close CLOSE friends here to be able to vent as much as I needed. It really does suck to have to wait for the pain to completely go away. I am grateful to be walking now, but my foot does get exhausted and sore by the end of the day. Not terrible sore, but get the f*#k off me sore. I was feeling that last night while I was at a cast party. All I wanted to do was talk about my foot. The topic came out of my mouth a couple of times, but I caught myself and cut myself off as quickly as possible. Such a downer in a conversation when everyone is there to have fun.
My dance partner is giving me the cold shoulder. I could try to go talk to him about it, but there is nothing for me to say. He needs to go through what he needs to go through - yet another situation where it is best for me to keep quiet, unless he feels the urge to talk to me about his frustration. There is nothing I can do about it except continue with my exercises and positive thinking. It feels practically impossible to not talk about my foot. Luckily, I have my physical therapist to vent to on Tuesday. Ha! I’m telling ya, it is hard to not talk about it.

Oh, yes, some people stoop low enough to spout out some snippy remarks. That is their backhanded way of handling things. This happened to me randomly last night and it sucked. Nothing fun about it. In the end, I am happy I don’t do that to other people. I am a communicator. If this has happened to you before, just be grateful. that you have the professionalism and respect for others to not even “go there.” It is rude. If you are religious, you must know it is not something that your higher power would be happy about. Listen to me. I am now stooping low and trying to “comeback” as though I am on some higher plain. Waste of my time and energy. I am human. Things get to me. What makes me sleep better at night? Knowing that no one gives me that much thought. If they do, they are not thinking about themselves and I truly pray for them. Why waste time thinking about others. Look at me and the time I have wasted right now. What was said is totally unimportant. It was just obviously directed towards me and I didn’t like it. In the end, at least I wasn’t the one making the mean choice.

Yep, if you are a single, working performer, that is exactly what you are, unless, you are one of the few of us who is fortunate to be in a fantastic relationship/marriage. I am single and don’t want to be. As much as I long to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be with just anybody. Relationships are so freakin hard in this business with all the traveling. Oy! We are usually working in the middle of nowhere and the selection (if you will) is small. You may find yourself lowering your standards just to get some lovin! I used to lower my standards and then I stopped. Therefore, I have been single for 3 years. A couple flings, random make-out sessions, but nothing truly meaningful. I want the meaningful.
So, for now, I have been single and fabulous. Is that so bad? Absolutely not. My career has shot forward at warp speed and I am stoked about all my dreams that are coming true. I am just taking it a day at a time for now. Loving myself and my own, independent life. If you are single, are you doing the same thing for yourself? Why the heck not?!?!

Confidence is a huge key to success as a performer in any field. If you don’t believe in yourself, you will prevent yourself from doing your very best. You may know you have it in you to be awesome at what you do, but when you are around others, you may lose sight of what you have. This can become a huge block.
How the heck do you build confidence? First of all, stop listening to other people’s opinions. If they are positive and supportive, take it in as a nice but unnecessary confirmation of what you already think. Thank the person and don’t find a way to find something else to criticize about yourself. Obviously, when it is a negative opinion, completely ignore it and spend your time and energy focusing on something else. This is easy to do when you have confidence in yourself.
Oy. I still have not answered the question, how do you build confidence in yourself? The best advice I was given was from a best friend - “If you want to build an esteem, do esteemable things.” If you doubt your acting, work on it. Go take an acting class. If you are poor, work something out with a friend to get some help. If your singing still feels weak, go to a voice teacher. If your dancing doesn’t meet your standards, take classes. Do something about it. The more you learn, the more you’ll grow, and your confidence will naturally grow with it. At this point in my career, my dancing and singing feel incredibly strong. I feel fantastic about both. As for my acting, man, I have not done anything about it while I have been continuing to strengthen myself in the other two. I am a great actor, but it is hard to feel as good about it when I spend so much time focusing on the other two. Ya feel me?
So, what am I going to do about it? Take some private coachings when I am in New York from June 1st through the 15th. That’s it! My goal will be to find a monologue that sells me as an well-rounded actress. This will be THE monologue that shows the world what I can do.
Now think about this regarding yourself as a performer. What can you do for yourself. Remember, you are your own best friend, so take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to do it. Just know you are worth all the time and energy.

It’s all in the title. There is a huge part of me that is dying to spend my entire day stressing over many things: my injured foot, my next gig, booking gigs in the future, whether or not I will make it on broadway and continue working on those huge stages that mean so much to me, other people’s opinions, my weight, my family, my friends, my relationships with the current being I am working with, … the list can go on and on and I could seriously put myself in the hospital with all the stress. But in reality, I can only take my life a day at a time. I can only plan my future but that changes a day at a time because I learn more and more about what is more important. It is one thing to completely believe in myself. It takes constant effort to put all my faith in a higher power, but with faith, it takes a huge load of stress off my back. When I give away the stress, I start to see all the great things I have already and I am filled with gratitude. I am lucky enough to be booked through August 10 of this year. I am continuously working on my own music, the theatre I am working with is being very kind and patient with me - giving me the time I need to completely heal from this temporary sprain. I have friends and family who love me unconditionally. I’m continuously growing as an artist and growing into the artist I want to be … thinking about all of this does more than just relax my body - it gets me to smile. It makes my entire body float. I start to see how much has come true. If I chose to sit in a stressful place, it would not get me anywhere.

This can sometimes be easier said than done. Okay, I do have some news to tell - I sprained my freakin foot. I have never done this before and am on the mend. I have been singing backstage and sitting on my butt. It sucks ass. Sorry, I did swear, but in this situation, cussing is highly appropriate. It happened from a lift where I was not supported on my way down and my feet took it. No one’s fault. It happens. Seriously. I love and trust my dance partner and I blame myself for not communicating like I should. I get into this world of people pleasing and I fear that I may offend my dance partner if I speak up too much. Then I could turn into this “complainer or nag” and I don’t want to be like that. What I did not realize is that I could actually get injured from it. I have never had a sprain before so this is all new to me. I have crutches and am bracing my foot. Drugs and icing is on my “to do” list.
Well, then comes my fear of annoying the cast. I am trying my best to do my job. I have seen people who are unable to do the show, sit backstage and sleep. I don’t want to be that person. I am there to do my job to the best of my ability. A coworker/quasi-friend was kind enough to bring it to my attention what I should watch out for when I am unable to do the show. He knows I like to be told what to do because I am not a mind reader and I can “take the note.” I like to understand where others are coming from so I can respect them. If I am in the way cause I normally don’t stand there, please tell me.
So, I made it a point to start going around to people and asking if there is anything that is bugging them that I can change. Some have had some great requests on certain sections of the show where I need to be out of the way and I am grateful for the knowledge. Some say I have nothing to worry about and I am fine. One, who happens to be a good friend, told me “F*@k anyone who has a problem. That is their lack of professionalism cause you are doing the best you can and have nothing to apologize about.” I had one response from a certain individual who said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” This totally got me worried and I didn’t know what to do except try to learn more. I thought he was mad at me. But for this individual, he didn’t like the question because if he had a real problem, he would tell me. His demeanor was not workable for me, but that’s what he chose to present in my efforts and I have accept that … Then, last of all, there are the people I just know I don’t want to talk to because I doubt they will be very approachable. In other words, I can imagine them wanting to “cut my head off” and “rip me a new one” just because they have silently fed off a resentment in my direction because they see me sitting on my butt throughout the show. There’s nothing I can do about it. I know this, but when it comes to working with a cast, it can be an interesting situation.
In the end, I know I am just injured and I have to give the course of my healing to G-d. I may cry a bit in the process because I do feel alone - being I am the only one who is unable to even be on stage and in the show right now. When this heals, I will be grateful to be back out on that stage again. I miss my love, the stage.

Now comes the time when my feet land back on the ground and I am no longer blinded.
Blinded by what? The dude I was into. Yes, I am using past tense my friends. Why so quickly? Because the dude is “just not that into me.” Have you read that book, “He’s just not that into you.” Great book. Changed my life and gave me an awareness that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I am still available to him, but my gut tells me that he won’t change. I don’t like what my gut says, but I believe my gut and plan to stand by my gut unless proven otherwise.
Here’s how it goes with showmances - either they work or they don’t. I don’t know of anything that ever happens in the gray area. We may not be in the same show, but because of our shows - that is how we met.
Where did my feelings go with this gentleman? Man, they didn’t, but they were ready to go all the way. Absolutely. When I know how I feel or if I really like someone, it is not a math problem. It is not something to apologize about … and it is definitely a waste of the moment to hold it back. I love being in-tune with my feelings and my dreams. That is a great thing about me. I am confident in my feelings even if it may not be a common feeling felt amongst a group of people. I don’t force my feelings on others, but I support myself 100%. If I am meant to learn that I am not listening or being attentive to another human because I am too focused on myself, I will figure it out when I am meant to figure it out.
For now, I love to sing in my life. In some ways, … literally. Ha! This wonderful guy, as great as he is, doesn’t want it. What exactly? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I don’t have any closed doors right now and he does. That’s fine for him, but it doesn’t work for me.
I love myself too much to put my dreams on hold.

This is so hard to do when you have some great thing come into your life. I am seriously trying, but look at me, I have not blogged in days because I have been so into this new boy in my life. I don’t know where it will go. I am still doing things for my career, but a little more lightly than normal because … well, this thing with this guy may have an ending. I don’t want it to, but you just never know. As performers, we are very in tune with our emotions and feelings. We make dumb, human decisions and are great at beating ourselves up for our mistakes. Being with this guy is a great chance for me to learn how to maintain my career focus no matter what … it sounds so simple, but let’s be real, it is easier said than done. I am floating in this romantic situation. It is hard to walk away from something that makes me smile so much. Don’t get me wrong, I am not stopping anything, I just need to find a perfect balance so I can find my dreams come true in all aspects on life. There is no reason for anything to go on pause.

Man, distractions happen. I just totally met an amazing guy and the day after I met him, I could not focus on a single thing. I couldn’t do anything work - related aside from my show. It took me a day to regain consciousness from my “natural high.” This happens to everyone. It is hard to accept the inability to get work done if you enjoy working as much as I do.
But honestly, relationships happen in life and I hope they do for all of us in this business. Maybe even a wonderful, forever - lasting marriage. Having a relationship in this unpredictable life is not the easiest, but it is worth the struggle. I do hope to have a husband and the whole perfect picture someday along with my stage career. i live for this life.
The other day, I was in the middle of the show and had the most wonderful realization of my love for the stage. I was living in the moment and escaping to this magical, false reality. What could be better than that? I get paid to play make - believe all day. This life is a blessing. I may get distracted by other, wonderful things that life has to offer, but nothing will fully take me away from this.

Don’t be shy about your success. You do have to be careful about getting to a bragging about your future to others, but don’t be afraid to celebrate everything that is happening for you. I just got some great news about a piece I choreographed. My initial reaction was to scream, but I automatically held back with telling everyone because I did not want to seem like I am bragging. Then I found that I could not help myself. Finally, I started to share my fortune with others. … and I got a strange reaction - pretty much NONE. There was a little congratulations, but not the big hoopla I wanted. Then it dawned on me - I want to share it with my close friends and family. I want to jump up and down with them. They will be jumping because we are so close it feels like it has happened to the both of us. That’s what I want. And you know what? i may not have it now, but I will have it someday. I know it. For now, I have to let myself be happy about these things on my own? Oh … I almost forgot? What happened for me? I choreographed a piece for a ballet studio in California and just found out that it is going to be shown at Regional Dance America in front of many directors and dance companies. Huge. Great thing! See why I am so happy?

I have really learned something. I saw a run through of this fantastic show that belongs on Broadway. It is called Treasure Island. It has this amazingly talented cast, director, everything! In the run-through I was absolutely blown away and knew I was lucky to even be there. Then, last night, I got to see a one of their initial dress/tech rehearsals. This great show had taken leaps back because of the new obstacles of costumes, sets, sound, lighting … everything that will make the show a show. I am not saying that the show is awful, but I did learn that in order to get a show as magical as this to the high standard it belongs, it has to take steps backward in order to move past where it lies. Does this make sense? I’ve had teachers, directors, many people talk about this in the past, but this was the first time I really could witness the process. I now HAVE to see the show again in order to really see the final, amazing product. In the past, I never got to witness this process because I was always in the show. Now I find myself fascinated with the obstacle of tech and want to see how the show is once it passes this process.