Always Auditioning

There are always new lessons to be learned despite how long a person has been performing. For me, diction is a new good habit I want to form. I suppose I have this fear of getting in the habit of over-pronouncing, but if I am getting a note on it, I think I just need to go for it and improve from then on. I don’t have a loud voice that carries. My voice is dependent on mic. It comes across loud on the high notes, but when I am going for a softer style it IS harder to hear. Back to diction. So, obviously, this was a note I received last night and I had no idea that I was hard to understand. When I get a note like this, I want to beat myself up. It is upsetting for me to not be perfect. I know that may sound a lame statement, but why would I not want to be good at what I do. Plus, when I am not doing well at something, it leaves an opening for other people to make fun of me. Perfect example, I was working at Hershey this past summer. Before I started getting this great vocal training, I was told by the voice captain that I was pronouncing again improperly. I could not figure it out. The place where I had to send it felt scary to me. I must acknowledge that I was very vocally unhealthy at the time, but it does not change the fact how much I wanted to be perfect. Next thing I know, I happen to be checking out a “friends” profile and a mutual friend (all met at the same gig) posted a comment that made fun of my improper pronunciation. Great way to make me feel like crap, right? I know I was not meant to know about the rude “making fun of me” stuff, but it is impossible to be ignorant in the business. I can play ignorant to keep the peace, but it still stabs. Now sharing all this makes it even more clear to me how much more important it will be for me to improve on my diction. I don’t want people to find more ways to laugh at me.

Today is another day of rehearsals. Well, … tech day. To some people, it would seem like a long day, but to me, it really feels so much easier than what I went through last week. We started at 1:15pm and will probably be done by 10:30/11pm. Trust me, that is so much easier than what we had to go through last week. I feel like I am on some sort of vacation now. I am not exaggerating.
Not long ago, I would have thought of this as a busy time. It is crazy how much things can change in a short period of time.
We added costumes today as well. I must admit that I can get irritable if my costumes make me look ugly when I am supposed to be sexy. If I am a specific character, I get it … however, it hits me wrong when I am supposed to be attractive - and it looks like I am not. As a woman, this is a nightmare. I have this wig that I am just not a fan of. It may be in the correct style for the period, but it is not the correct style for my face. I don’t look good.
I’m on the negative side today because I found out that I have been disillusioning myself with my grandma’s condition. Turns out the open heart surgery she will be going into is highly risky and Tuesday is her last day before she goes under. I wish I was there. I love this show and the cast but I really don’t want to be here right now. I want to be with my family.

A day of rest is usually not a day of rest for me. I find that there are tons of things I have to get done because of my busy schedule and it feels like a cram day. I do hope that I get the rest I need and crave on this day. It is truly a beautiful day to take off. I don’t care whether it is raining or if it sunny. For me, any kind of season is welcome. Something good comes out of everything.
I am a workaholic. This is beyond true for me. It is hard for me to do nothing. I am grateful for this blog because it gives me something to do. I suppose that is why I am good at promoting myself. I like doing the work. It is so fun to get new video footage or headshots that make me feel like a more sellable performer. This is my life and I truly love what I do.
I received a fabulous compliment from someone who said, “You are always working” (in reference to my life in musical theatre). I got to give my favorite response, “It is because I love what I do.” It is that simple.
Yes, I could come up with a million reasons why I should continue doing nothing on my day off. But when you love doing the work …
Here is video footage from my most recent cabaret.

I know, I know, it is my day off, but if there is any chance I can promote myself, I’ll do it. This is not a business where I want to be shy.

I did another cabaret last week and forgot to put up what I sang. I did “Exodus” (an Evanescence song). The song is very good for me, but I did feel awkward singing it without a mic. The lyrics are strong enough for me to be able to act the peace, but it was not a musical theatre piece. Because of the genre, I made the choice to simply take a stand and sing. It is a dark song. I loved it because it is very different, however, I am not “in love with the song.”

Why would I do this song? I have a strong rock voice and I need to sell myself and have footage of me doing that style. If anything, this is a more gothic rock song, but hey, it is still rock! Cirque De Soleil would be interested in that sound, I think, as well.
Man, working for Cirque would be incredible. I would love to be a part of one of their shows.

It is times like these when I simply just feel happy. It is truly a fantastic feeling. I am exhausted, over-rehearsed, and giggly. We are in the middle of a show right now and I am typing as though I am on crack. I don’t know what has gotten into me … I can only assume that it is exhaustion. I will get to bed rather easily tonight - how it has been for me all of the other nights - easy as well. I am ready for bed now. It is strange to be so “over awake” and alert right now when I know I could fall asleep so quickly if I just was able to lay down. Once again, not a complaint … well … maybe a little. It does suck to be tired, but the week is almost over. I feel like such a survivor. I have dropped off the planet when it comes to my friends. As for my family, I have to keep in touch with grandma … and I just found out that my sister-in-law is in labor. …which reminds me that I have to call my brother. I wish I was there, but that is the business. I am enjoying all the gals here at this gig. I am very grateful that I get to do another show with them. I feel close and comfortable with these people. It’s a good thing.

How is it possible to talk about something outside of work when that is all you are doing. The only other thing would be all the tv shows on ABC or Heroes on NBC. Right now, I don’t have time to have a life outside of work. This is not a horrible thing because it is my passion.
It does make me think about the times I’ve heard people complain about musical theatre people always talking about musical theatre. Question: how can something else be thought of if that is all you are doing?

This is what is on my mind today - eating, rehearsing my new show, reviewing my new show, and performing another show in-between all of it. I take a little time out while I am eating to watch some tv shows online.
This is so not a complaint. Just a thought that has crossed my mind during this insane crossover with shows.

Yep, that is a job I just got! It has been fun learning the role, but it definitely won’t be something I put on my resume until I am much older. For now, it is a load of fun learning and exploring my take on the role. I am not trying to do anything drastic. A dear friend of mine in the business did the role and was utterly fantastic. I am trying to do her approach to the role and then make sure it is still me. I fantastic blend. Because I have my own track to explore as well, I am learning a new scene for Martha every two days. I am on my second scene. I can’t move too quickly, otherwise, I will stress myself out.
Martha is usually played by an overweight, older woman. I don’t mean to sound rude, but in this situation, a type is a type. I love it because it is normally not a role I would get to look into. Fun! It is hard to not get distracted by my desire to be a fantastic understudy … I do have my own freakin track to get down. I have this tiny feature role and I still have yet to make a strong acting choice with my character.
I am sure this is not interesting to read, but my life is so busy with rehearsing and performing that any other thoughts are temporarily blocked.

Reviewing and practicing choreography for this next show is so vital. I need to get the time to do this. Luckily, this evening, I will have the time to go over all the new choreography. This morning, I have to take advantage of being awake during business hours and do mailings to theatres.
There are only three dance number in this next show. I think I pretty much have them all down, however, not as perfectly and as comfortably as I would like… so, I want to make a point for myself and review those dances several times today. I would also like to review stuff from the kids show as well for my own peace of mind. It is nothing to toss away completely and it only stresses me out more to not review what I need to remember.
The theatre would prefer it if I chose to not touch or think about the kids show while rehearsing for the mainstage show, but knowing that I have some choreography in my head that I am not reviewing is more frustrating for me. I am a huge fan of reviewing. I believe it is extremely important. Reviewing is only good. And that is exactly what my day will revolve around - REVIEWING.

Wow. That is how I feel after everything. Wow. I feel like I keep throwing things on myself and it gets to be too much sometimes. I do have plenty on my “to do” list. I am still taking it a day at a time. I am fully aware that if I tried to plan for the next day too far in advance, I could easily overwhelm myself. With all of my goals in my sights, there is plenty to do on a daily basis. My book has taken a back-burner along with my original acoustic music. Both of those things mean very much to me, but I am not a superhero. I have moved forward quite a bit with my book. I still have a good amount to do with both interviews and organizing. I know I can easily get it done for myself, but for now, I have to let myself let go of these two things while I am rehearsing for two shows. Despite my busy schedule, I am able to slowly continue submitting myself to theatres. I am grateful to have the ability to keep putting my face out there. This is so important to my career and my life.
“Vein of Gold” is on my “to do” list but it does not feel like a chore. It is an inspirational book written to enhance the creative fire within. There are a bunch of “assignments” that are fun and crafty. I love it because I normally would not let myself do such fun things. I love what I get to do.
Most importantly, there is my grandma in the hospital. Since I can’t be there during this long process in the hospital while she awaits open heart surgery, I am keeping my heart at bay so I don’t lose it. Keeping myself busy helps me through all my worries and fears. It allows me to be hopeful and stand by the fact that my grandma is a fighter. She will make it through this. I will get to be there to kiss her when she gets back home.

I found this video on youtube. I was in this production of White Christmas at a theatre last year.

The funny thing is that I totally remember it differently. I remember watching my friend act as a hilarious stage manager and watching him push open the “barn doors” every night before we had to go on. I remember always looking behind me backstage at the line of people ready to go onstage. I remember facing upstage as I entered at the top of the dance. In my head, i would be analyzing every little thing I was doing. Was my butt out? Did I look too stiff? I was always trying to perfect even the smallest step throughout that dance number. I wanted to look cool and proficient in everything.
Those costumes for that number were made for Easter, but I did not care. I loved the fact that I was wearing pants on stage. In life, I prefer to dress in pants, so the times I get to wear pants on stage, it is home to me. It allows me to be less feminine.
I remember hitting that high note at the end of the show and always thinking, “How the heck does that note come out of me every time?” I had so much self doubt at the time that I was working through. Don’t misunderstand, I loved what I was doing … there were just a million thoughts going through my head.

What if …

Let’s play with the what ifs …
What if I got Fanny on Broadway? Would I be in the spotlight and getting that standing ovation I have always dreamed of? Would I finally get the chance to kiss a broadway stage? Would I get that moment alone on the bare stage to take it in and cry because I am so happy?

What if I fell in love with a man and got married? Would we live on the beach and wake up to the sound of ocean waves breaking on the beach? Would I get to work at a huge, beautiful theatre nearby? Would I have my mornings free to meditate and do my yoga? Will my best friend, my “person,” live next door?

What if I became a best selling author for inspirational books? Would I receive letters of gratitude from people who have gained perspective or anything good from my writings? Would I get to work regularly for a newspaper and be like a Dear Something?

What if my original songs were played on the radio for years upon years? What would the title of my first album be? Where would I tour with my music? Would there be a crowd of people there to greet me at the end of every show? Would I keep in touch with my fans through myspace?

What if I had a beautiful family? Where would we go on family trips? What would my daughter wear when she performed me her latest dance routine? Would my son be an artist or into sports?

I love this game!

We just started rehearsals for “White Christmas.” I have done this production before. Same show, same choreographer. However, the choreography is ever so slightly different. Some of the dance that I originally did on the right side is now on the left. Places where there were not hip movements now are present. It is kind of mind boggling. Luckily, I have a long portion of my day (tomorrow) to be able to review and prep myself to learn more. I absolutely love this show. It is a great way to spend the holidays.
Above is a video that a cast of “White Christmas” made at another theatre. I remember a person showing me the video on youtube.com last year. Thought I would share it on my blog.
A couple of the girls are talking about making a video of one girl in the cast for The Bachelorette. I think it would be totally amazing if she got it. Obviously, they need me to help make the video. I am totally down. I love it!

That is what I do every single day as I go online and find more theatres to submit my headshot, resume, and demo reel. I am working so hard to get myself out there. It is kind of funny when I think about how much time and effort it takes to keep auditioning. Live auditions are ideal, but in this situation, I can only submit. I have several theatres who have shown interest, but nothing is for sure. If anything, it shows that my demo reels are good. Otherwise, I have to pray that the casting director is willing to hire me.
The key is getting that contract. If I don’t have a contract, I don’t have a gig.
I have been constantly videotaping myself performing, fixing up my resume, and researching theatres. The work in my research is constant. It is both constant and the more I research, the more theatres I find. There are a lot of theatres out there. It is insane!
I have also discovered that a lot of theatres pay horribly. For me, the minimum I can accept is 300 per week. That is before taxes are taken out. It is different for each performer, but anything lower than that means I will be bankrupt. I also know that I cannot work for a theatre that has me making the set or costumes as well. I came into this career to perform. I feel when multiple duties are thrown on a person, it becomes a form of slavery where a person is working around the clock. I realize this may seem like a strong opinion, but I have “been there and done that.” I don’t think it is necessary to suffer in order to perform. I do not believe in “No Pain No Gain.”
… I guess while I am selling myself, the theatres are kind of selling themselves as well.

It is all about visualizing. I grabbed photos that depicted my future love life/my husband. I totally put up a two pictures of hot surfers. It would be rockin to have a surfer for a husband with the hot bod and the love for the ocean. Another dream was of me performing my own, original music. I favored photos of girls rockin out and workin the stage. Then there is the dream of me having children and remaining close to my family. My family is very important to me. I specifically chose to get a friend picture up there. It is a photo of two girls with surfboards on a beach. Notice a theme? My home is the same way. All pictures of beach houses. I even put up pictures of a person walking the red carpet and posing for the cameras. Sarah Jessica Parker is up there because I love everything she has done and who she represents. There’s pictures of cats and me writing and becoming a successful author. The most important picture is still not up there. I need a photo of me on the broadway stage. Me alone and singing in the spotlight with the audience on their feet. That is a huge dream for me. It is a vivid image for me. I can easily close my eyes and start to imagine it - it automatically brings me to tears because I can practically taste the feeling.
Looking at this poster is such an amazing thing for me. I love it.

We had a gender bender cabaret! It was so much fun! The girls sang boys songs and the boys sang girls songs. It was more fun for the gay men, but nonetheless, it was a blast. I had so much fun with getting myself out there and singing from Tarzan. Yep, I sang for a buft man who walks around the stage in … lets say it … it’s almost like panties. My music was transposed so I could sing it higher. If you listen to the music in the background, it sounds different. I was told it was natural for it to sound a little different because of the transposing. It made the song a little depressing for me. I do have a huge love for the song and when it sounds even a little different, my love for the song reduces.
I remember when I first heard this song this year. I was hanging out with some new friends and going through an awesome musical theatre library. When “Stranger Like Me” was played, I forced my friend to play it over and over again. The song just speaks to me.
What songs did the boys sing … “When You Got It, Flaunt It” from The Producers, “Home” from The Wiz, and “Gimme Gimme” from Thoroughly Modern Millie. There were more, but I honestly can’t remember the names of the songs. As you can imagine, the whole experience was highly entertaining.