Always Auditioning

Wow. I have just been put in an awkward situation where a person I have worked with in the past used my name as a reference. It just so happens that this person is one of the two people who are on my blacklist. Aack! I don’t want my name to be connected with this individual. Nor do I want to look like a jackass if I say too much. I just received some great advice from a great performer on how to go about it professionally and honestly. I will abide the rules of professionalism, but to be honest, it sucks to have to hold back. i don’t wish this “performer” on anyone. The person causes drama in the cast, is unbelievably good at brown-nosing, and is so false in all actions that it makes me want to vomit. Not literally, but close enough. Blech, blech, blech!
On another note, it is good to learn how to go about this professionallly. I have feared dealing with this and now the situation has presented itself. I must pace myself and breathe. Period. Think about it. What would you do if an awful person used your name as a way to get “in”?
I am blown away by this, but I will not say anything unless the producer mentions it to me. Also, I will limit my thoughts so I don’t make myself look unprofessional. Breathe, Jenna, breathe. Man, this has stressed me out a bit.

Seriously. I am over these allergies. It is awful feeling this kind of crappy in my throat. I just called my voice therapist and I have a lot of things to buy in order to help me with the symptoms. Right now, I am waiting to get notes and I can’t help but count down to get out of here. I am looking forward to having the time for myself to apply all the remedies she suggested. I really can’t wait until I fully learn how to be on top of all of this bull.
My voice - fine. That’s because I have the acid reflux under control. Apparently, it is officially allergy season here in PA. I thought I knew everything, but I don’t. I am still learning. At least I am still able to work healthfully.
On top of it, I am beyond sleepy. I am getting myself a mask to sleep with in case my mouth falls open while I sleep. I have found that my mouth drops open in the midst of my sleeping. I don’t want to make a scene of myself with all my hell bull. I swear, I am constantly learning. At least I have the help I need to take care of everything. That does account for something and is a huge help.\

We had our first tech day. We threw everything together at once - costumes, musicians, the scene changes (had to spike everything), and mics. Plus, it was our first time on the stage, so we were getting all the blocking reset. Here’s the good thing above all of this - I felt good about myself last night. i had this moment of clarity where I was grateful to be me. This is huge. I can easily go back into beating myself up in where I lack talent or a good personality. Last night, I did a darn good job at being positive towards myself. Feeling good about myself - that is simply a miracle.

This is all wonderful, but the real focus for today is 9-11. That is todays date and it really puts life in such a larger perspective. I was lucky to not have any family or friends hurt from this catastrophe. However, it had a worldwide effect. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like - to lose someone or experience the attack. Regardless of the time that has passed, today is still a sad day.

I would like to end this entry with the Serenity Prayer.
“G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
My heart goes out to those who have suffered. I pray that they have found even the smallest form of peace since this act of terror occurred.

It was a slow process that took the entire day. Yes, it was a day off from rehearsal, but inevitably, moving is not a real day off. It’s fine because I have accepted that I have no control over it. I lucked out by getting a room that has a bathroom. It’s chill between myself and my roomy, so I am happy with my living situation.
My worry lies in the fridge. We have 12 people in the household and only two fridges. That is REALLY not enough. Especially for me because most of my diet is fresh vegetables and fruit. I am making a point to shove all of my food onto one side in the small space, but it really is not enough space. I also cook my food and that will go in a tupperware container and take up more room. This is soooooooooo full of “oy veys.”
A dear friend visited me last night during the move-in process. It was nice to have him around. He made me feel safe in my new home. It would be nice to have him here, but I fear it would distract me from getting to know all the other cool people in the cast. I’m happy with how things are …
Can’t lie - I am really tempted to wake up a friend who is still asleep right now. I don’t know if he would kill me or what, but it just seems like fun. I may have to do it. Yeah, I think the chances of me bugging the dude is pretty good (heh, heh).

Exhausted. That is how I feel after getting food poisoning from the dinner at the theatre. It was free and tasted good. Not worth getting sick over. I have been sleeping and doing mostly nothing today. I would be asleep now, but we are moving into the cast house tomorrow and I have to re-pack. I have a voice lesson tomorrow and I could not be more grateful. I don’t know if I have been singing everything properly and I need to make sure I am sticking with a safe technique.

I truly enjoy my cast. I can safely say that I genuinely like each individual. I don’t find any need to get nit-picky about people. I like to celebrate the good in each person. Why not? I could easily focus on things that annoy me about a person, but that is a huge waste of energy. I have done that in the past. My tendency to obsess about things aided to the constant cycle of negativity. My way to prevent my mind from obsessing is to choose not to go there at all. It is so easy to be mean and make fun of a person. Why is that necessary? Does it really affect me? My next lesson to learn is to not judge those who choose to go that route. That is not my business. I have no control over other people’s actions and they have a right to their own opinion.
This is not something I am perfect at by all means, but I am working on it on a daily basis.

I have been doing my research on previous performances of Cabaret. This is the best performance I found.

Raul Esparza was a fantastic Emcee. He really made the part his own and commanded the stage. Both a vocalist and an actor, he was very comfortable with his body. He was not sleezy in a bad way. He was sleezy for the role and the audience got it. I watched other performances, thus far, done by other people who had the great opportunity to be on Broadway and they were not half as good.
I saw this on Broadway. I don’t remember who was in it because I was too busy flirting with a young guy working there. He was a stereotypical New Yorker from Brooklyn who worked construction. I went on a date with him and was accompanied by a friend in case he was a freak. It was not anything exciting. The fact that I went on a date with a random dude I met at a theatre - that was the great part. The date itself was dull.
That same summer I saw Aida.

This is why I am in theatre. It was such a stunning show. I remember being so moved. Watching the video clip is exciting, but live Wicked.


After watching these videos, need I say more.
I LOVE BROADWAY.

My allergies are going buck wild in Pennsylvania. As a vocalist, this is a huge obstacle. I breathe through my nose as much as possible which does lead to me socializing less. Fine. The way it would feel if I did not do this - I don’t want to imagine. Seriously, allergies straight up suck. I don’t like feeling any soreness or tickling in my throat and then singing on it. I feel a huge difference when I make the simple choice to breathe through my nose for an hour.

We are rehearsing in Warehouse that is full of dust, heat, and the pollen infested air PA has to offer. I show up fine and very quickly feel like butt as the day continues. This is something I am highly aware of, and I pray that it does not effect my performance in the rehearsal process. By the end of the evening, I was beyond grateful to almost be done with the night. I had a headache and a feverish feeling. Needed to just get out of that room. I found myself desperate to lay down and pass out.
IIn this video below, I can tell the cute kitty knows how I feel.

I know I am the one to blame when it comes to the slower progress of my voice. I was resistant to my vocal teachings in college. I remember my voice instructor would tell me to do things and I would try my best in the lesson. I would do the vocal warm-ups outside of my lesson, however, I did not focus on what I needed to focus on. I would casually sing away and not gain much at all. I lacked the necessary focus.

My original voice teacher was not nice. In fact, she was quite un-supportive. Most of the time, she would shake her head in disappointment when I would not get what she was trying to teach me. I would be trying to do what she said. I knew what she wanted me to do, but for some odd reason I could not do it nor could I remain consistent. I was always so scared to come into her voice lesson. I was in fear of disappointing her once again. I did exactly that during every lesson. It was not good for the esteem.
I put up my own cabaret my final year at my college. I remember feeling very unsure about my voice. I would be singing and questioning how worthy I was in the midst of all of it. In fact, I felt insecure to a point that even when I got my gig with Disney, I still doubted my singing ability. It was only during that contract when I found myself slowly grow in my vocal confidence. I was singing amongst great r&b/gospel singers who knew how to belt it out on the spot. Licking comes from the heart and I started to learn that from them. I also grew up listening to r&b music and had to learn that I would never have that soulful sound. That’s when I finally started to fully understand my type (will talk more about later) and embrace it. Man, simply knowing my type automatically opened up doors for me as a vocalist.
I believe the teacher is the backbone in growth for a performer, however, I refuse to point away from myself. It is all up to me. If I thought the teacher was not letting me grow the way I needed, it was my job to find another teacher.

I have been taught the basics of reading music many times. That is not my problem. My problem is when I try to step beyond the basics in rehearsal. No can do. I can’t simply look at a note and make the exact sound. I can tell which direction it is going (either up or down). I know if it is going flat, but I don’t know how to make the sound if the note is going flat. The same thing applies with me in a sharp note.
I just thought of a funny, random story. I was in my choir class in high school sitting next to a buddy of mine. The teacher was once again reviewing the basics of reading music. A girl in front of us started to pick her nose. Naturally, our attention silently went to the nose picker. We were laughing very quietly and were on the brink of being out of control. The girl finally pulled her finger out of her nose to reveal a huge booger on her finger. She kept staring at it. My friend and I knew she wanted to eat it. We held our breaths in hopes that we were wrong. We knew where it was going as we saw the finger go in the direction of her tongue. “No!!!!” my friend shouted. I was gagging to much to make any noise. I bet the teacher may have been answering some fundamental questions that class on how to read music properly. I blame it on the nose picker. That was disgusting.

When I am in rehearsal. I hold my own pretty well. I can follow for the most part. I’m absolutely in love with my digital recorder. That thing saves my life. The best way for me to learn - practice it over and over again until it becomes ingrained and memorized. Maybe one day I will have the time, patience, and desire to properly learn music. That would not be now.

So, I turn on the tv and see these girls in a reality show trying to become the next Pussycat Doll. This would not be for me. I believe that going on tv to try to make it into this industry is the worst way to go. They edit so much to create an entertaining show. They could make me out to be an awful, mean person. It is the worst exposure.

Take my current gig. If I was being followed by cameras, any negative comments, thoughts, or opinions could be broad-casted nation-wide and I could be ruined. No one wants to hire someone the world dislikes. I could really put my future career at risk if I was filmed. I would love to say that I am perfect and never have a negative thought, but I do. It is not about others, it revolves around me. i am always concerned about my career. I also worry about how others perceive me. I would hate to hurt other people’s feelings and them to become resentful towards me. I worry. I really do. I don’t doubt myself as much as I used to … If anything, I have a lot of confidence. It feels so good to have a believe in myself for once. It’s not conceited. It’s … how should I describe it? I come from a low, low self-esteem. I would beat myself up over everything. I learned my parts for shows with all my fears clinching to my spine. i could not relax into my love for performing. i was so busy judging myself. Many times, I would make fun of myself aloud only to beat others to the punch. It was already hard enough to deal with my own harsh self-criticism. Having another negative comment come from elsewhere; I couldn’t take it.
Good to know that I am in a better place now. I have a right to not always be “on.” I also have learned that I have a right to feel what I feel. It doesn’t mean I am always right.

Talk about first impressions on the first day. My nerves go wild when I have to sing in front of a bunch of people for the first time. I don’t doubt my singing ability. I simply get nervous with the concept of making a first impression on the rest of the cast. It is so easy to judge myself. I was actually a lot nicer to myself in my head this time. Instead of getting mad at myself for not hitting the right note aloud, I was saying (in my head) that I knew I would be able to hit the note properly once I had time to practice on my own.
Not much music to learn. The biggest thing for me to learn is the German accent. I had no idea that I needed to learn the German accent. That is a huge thing to take on, but I have time to get better at it more and more. If anything, I have to at least be able to sing with the German accent. I will work on it today and for awhile and improve on it over time.
I really like the people in the cast. Everyone seems extra nice and I feel lucky to be working amongst the group of talent. There is no snobbery. Only love in the room. I do fear that my personality may be too much for others, so I want to make a point to check in to make sure I am not offending anyone. I do realize that my humor can be overwhelming right at “hello.” It’s nothing I can change because my personality simply comes out as is and I don’t realize it may not be good to say that until it’s too late. Also, my innappropriate reactions to things just happen. I find myself laughing when I should not be laughing. My only reason for the laughter is because I think in my head, “Wouldn’t it be messed up if someone broke out into laughter right now?” And then I am the idiot who does it. Oy.
I am in the ensemble for the next two shows. Can’t lie. I’m bummed. I said yes to the contract because this is a great theatre to work with and I knew I would be so happy to be here. I only pray that I don’t get in a rut with the company and continuously do ensemble work. I have no control over those decisions and I have to keep reminding myself of the now. Right now, I have the time to relax a little more before I review the fun music before rehearsal today. Good times ahead!

I find it necessary to explain myself before you read on in today’s blog. I am making a point to write honestly even if it is negative in case there is someone else in my situation. I want to make people feel like they are not alone if they are going through something in theatre. We all go through it. Everyone. This is what I am going through as of yesterday. And in reality, the feelings I feel change all the time. My feelings are not in resentment towards anyone. It is my personal, emotional struggle in my life journey.
Though it is an honor, it also sucks to be the new girl. Right away, I was put in the back for everything. It just sucks. I enjoyed myself, but this was a mental block for me. It makes me feel crappy. One day I am a lead in a show and the next day I am in the background … again. It would be dishonest of me to lie to myself that and say it does not hurt my feelings. I know, I know, I should grow a tougher skin about this, but when you are so in love with this line of work, everything matters and it’s hard to shrug it off.
The choreography is a blast. The choreographer is fabulous, organized, … everything good. As I suspected, I am amongst a highly talented group. I love dancing with these people and I know we will all “go there” in this show. It’s great to get to be so sexual in a show.
I’m sad to share that we are not doing “Mein Heir” or “Maybe This Time.” Apparently, those two songs were used in the 1998 Broadway Revival and the rights to that show have not been release. There is a huge fine to anyone who tries to throw those songs into any of the old versions. What a bummer! Those are such fantastic songs.
For me, all the boys I have danced with are great partners. Usually there are a couple strong guys and than many boys who are brand new to partnering … from my experience. In this situation, I am passed around through different guys and I am just having so much fun dancing with all of them. It is so much fun. I love it.
I have a feeling a will be saying “I love it” through most of this process.
I have yet to work with the director/producer. He is definitely someone we would all love to work with, but in this show, I don’t think we interact with him much. Maybe next time … Would love to get more exposure with the director so he could see how I work. Future work, man. That’s what it is all about - future work. It’s hard not to think about it at this point in my life. I love the stage and just want to keep working. Who would want to do anything else?