Always Auditioning

This may sound like an odd entry to some people, but I am going to talk about my “happy place.” Funny. When I say that I automatically think about the movie Happy Gilmore. I have one. I have a vivid memory that comes to me once in awhile that puts me in a good spot. It’s simple.

I had made this miniature boat out of wood. It was painted and personalized. I was in the 3rd grade at the time (in case you were wondering). Anyways … it is of me lying on the sidewalk in front of my house with the sun shining down on me and watching my boat float on the water that was draining next to the sidewalk. Nothing big. I was just laying there and completely relaxed. I was in the moment. No troubles. It was simple. Peaceful. My mind was at ease. I like that memory because I can feel how the heat felt against my body.

If I were to lay on the sidewalk to get the same sensation again, I think someone might get worried and either call the police or the ambulance. Makes me giggle just thinking about it.

So I have been lucky today. A girl from my cast, who is very aware of my personal and current struggles in this run, wrote me the kindest and highly supportive email. Don’t get me wrong, I am not miserable. I refuse to go there when I have too much good. However, I have some things that are constantly “knocking on my door” that could make me miserable.
Let me give a little more information. i am not fitting in with some people. I have that habit of wanting to be liked by everyone. I want everything to be peachy and truly hope for it everytime. I get sad when my personality doesn’t fit for others.
Anyhoo, so this girl, my angel, reached out to me when I least expected. It was one of the first things I read this morning. It was highly refreshing. A perfect way to begin my day.
I want to be an “angel” for other people. I hope I can find ways to be of service. Nothing like getting out of myself and being more present for other people.

I grew up as a ballerina. I went to Houston Ballet, Central Pennsylvania Youth Ballet/CPYB (twice), BalletMet, and Milwaukee Ballet for summer ballet programs (and there was usual some boy interaction at every place). It may be hard to believe, but there were actually straight men at each of these programs.
During my first summer abroad in Houston, I had a crush on this blonde, quarky guy. He was not too talented, but there was not much of a selection altogether.
At BalletMet, I finally got the chance to do partnering. That’s a good way to get a guy to put his hands on you (heh, heh). That was also the summer where I got to make-out with a hot model, guy and when I first discovered alcohol. I got drunk off of a wine cooler and then snuck out to sneak into a dance club. Man, that guy was really hot.
After attending CPYB one year, one ballet guy, whom I had a crush on, met up with me years later in my hometown. We FINALLY made out then. I was not as into him by then, but it was “so cool” to be making out with him.
At Milwaukee, one of the MUCH older boys made a move on me on the final evening and I thought he was a hottie until I saw what he looked like up close. I could see his age. I did not like that so I pushed him away. We were leaving the next day, so I wrote him a not (I was young) saying how I thought he was awful for making a move on me since he had a girlfriend. He proceeded to try to call me after we had left and I dissed him. I must add that this was the summer I got into beach volleyball. I quickly learned that the boys loved to play the game. I made a point to “get into the game” with them. As far as I was concerned, what girl would not want to be surrounded by a bunch of boys?
I would go in and out of attraction with almost every straight boy there. It made things more exciting. Plus, it leaves fun memories.

Look like I get to be a stepsister in Cinderella! Yay!

We had auditions yesterday. To be really honest, we had just enough girls to fill all of the roles. It was obvious we would get the show. I was not sure if I would get cast as either the stepmother or a stepsister. I was fine with either.
My read was not strong. I have done better. I blame myself. I suppose in the end it does not matter since I knew I would get to be in it somehow.

I will be “Gertrude.” I am the girl who is jealous of my sister. I sing soprano and get to goof off. How is this not going to be fun? I love the fact that my name is Gertrude. Growing up, I always thought Gertrude was such a funny name (sorry if you have that name and I offend). … but I think it is a funny character name.
I remember when I learned I could never play a role like Cinderella. My heart was broken. It was very depressing to learn that I did not have the face for it. I wanted to be the princess. I wanted to be the innocent, leading lady.

My parents new I was going to be a performer when I was a child. How could they not. I would go nuts when we had guests over for dinner. Usually, a friend would be over and we would put on a performance in the living room. Nothing was choreographed or set. We would just turn on a piece of classical music and go for it.

Naturally, my mother were start to talk to her friend while I was dancing. i would go up and shush her to make sure that she was paying attention the entire time. G-d bless my mother. That must have been a painful and LONG performance to sit-through. My mom was so patient with those long performances. i am sure that music sometimes went for about 10 minutes. I believe after sitting through improved dances, that is why my mom decided to sign me up for ballet lessons. She probably figured that if I was going to improv a dance, I may as well have some technique (heh, heh).

I am so in-between on this matter. I really do love my pc and I love my mac.
Why is the pc awesome?
It is perfect for office documents. Also, pc’s are not as snobby as macs. They accept many programs. With macs, there is always something new to buy and the only brand you can buy is only made by mac. I don’t know if I am explaining this well, but it is an annoying factor.
Why is a mac awesome?
For making videos and anything artistic. As a performer, it is a necessity. It is highly user-friendly. But like I said, I constantly find myself spending more money in order to be able to do all things I need to do on my computer.
My mac is new compared to my pc. I got my mac in December 2006 and my pc in 2003. Yes, in many ways, the mac can do things more easily than the pc (like built-in wireless), but that was not available when I bought my pc. So many advances happen with computers so quickly. I don’t dare compare fully simply because it would be unfair.
For now, I use my pc for some things, and my mac for some other things.

I got to sing in an informal cabaret last night after the show. It felt so good to get the chance to perform and be both seen and heard. I started out nervous. I was not sure if I would mix correctly. I was afraid I would sound like vocal crap and everyone would call me a faker for claiming to take all these voice lessons and not be able to “bring it.” I had a lot of mental demons. In the end, I let my love for what I do come through. I let myself get into the song and the meaning. I wanted to cry, but held back. I never realized how much i can attach myself to a song until last night. The tears wanted to come out. I was in it.

This may all sound self-absorbed, but it FELT SO GOOD. I got to sing a duet from Prince of Egypt - “When You Believe.” I absolutely love that song. The message is inspiring and it is easy to connect. Lucky me - got to sing with a fabulous talent that night. It was an honor.
To make the night even better, some fabulous friends of mine were there for the show that night as well. It means so much to have support in the audience. I don’t get it often, so I really know how important it is to appreciate that support.
The coolest thing to share is the talent amongst my current cast. There is so much. Wow. The voices and commitment to each song. I was inspired and thrilled to see it all. What an amazing group. This does not happen all the time. I’m very lucky to be in such a talented group. Seriously, these people know how to rock the house.
Before I forget, I must also say that we are lucky to have such an amazing pianist backing us up. Lucky for us, not only can this person follow, he also has the ability to sing and feel the music as he plays. He makes it ten times easier to connect to the song.

We are a lucky cast. We had an understudy rehearsal yesterday and everyone was on top of it. It was comforting and impressive to see people step to the plate. I have so much appreciation for understudies and swings. If you don’t, you should. It is a hard job.
I got a taste of it this summer when I had to go into a dance track and found out I was doing so with little time before the show began. I told the cast that they would have to push me around so I would know where to go. They did and it was freakin insane! I was nervous, but acted like I was “confident” the entire time. It was hilarious and eye opening. Knowing full well of my situation, I still had a cast member give me attitude for not knowing where I was supposed to be. This is sad to say, but there will always be those people who don’t fully understand. It is easy to stay involved in your own, small performance world and lose consideration for others. i am not saying it is right, but I understand.
We had swings for our show who did this daily. I was so impressed by them after I did this. It made me want to hit myself for not understanding. But how can a person truly understand until he/she experiences it his/herself? I would not have a clue if it wasn’t for that experience.
Could you imagine jumping into a different role everyday? Or could you imagine jumping into two different roles in one day? Holy crap, right? Trust me, you can’t fully take it in until you actually experience it yourself. I don’t have any video me doing that show that day, but my memory is vivid.
I am grateful to be grateful.

A poor girl from our show hurt her neck. She tried her best to do what she could in the show, but in the end, none of it felt good. If it was me, it would be hard not to beat myself up for missing the show. I was very impressed by her knowledge not to push herself too far. It is easy for a performer to push through and force their bodies to perform when that is the last thing he/she should do.

She is missing tonights show because her body simply cannot do it. This is a perfect reason to miss a show. Sounds like a “duh,” I know, but it is hard to miss something that involves your passion.

I got to cover some of her dancing which gave me a great high. Love live theatre! I learned it quickly and then went over it OVER and OVER again. I have to do things over and over again in order for it to stick. I will have to do it again tonight to make sure it stays in my body.
And hey, if we run out of people to cover each other, we could always improvise …

Madonna. Britney Spears is not Madonna. Due to her last performance, she proved she was far from Madonna.

I remember when people were saying that Britney was the next Madonna. Madonna would NEVER mess up a show. She has stage presence and knows how to take awesome risks. I heard a cool story about Madonna. There was a fundraiser for aids or something years ago. At the end of the show, she was supposed to walk down the runway with a clothing designer. Without letting anyone know, she chose to wear very little clothing on top. By the time the producers realized she was going onstage with exposed breasts, it was too late. The cameras were flashing and she was “working it.”
I love that woman. She knows how to push buttons and start new trends. When she got into yoga, so did the rest of the world. When she started to get into Jew life (I can say that cause I am a Jew), so did many other celebrities.

Most importantly, Madonna was there for me in her music throughout my life. In grade school, I would live off of her music. “True Blue” was my favorite album. Favorite song from that album? Look below …

I need to think positive thoughts but never assume that I got the role. There is a difference. I do believe that good things will keep coming my way, but there is an underlying fear that if I believe in it too much, it may go away. I am highly sensitive in this great world of theatre and the arts in general. I feel very lucky to be living this path.
There are other things I would like to do, but only in another life. My other passions don’t come through as strongly as my love to perform. In fact, I would not call those other things “passions.” I would be more ready to refer to them as things I like to do in my spare time.
So now I am saying a prayer for my future in theatre. I want to be up there and on the big stage. I believe it will happen for me.
I can learn from myself. Check out this video. (very funny)

I fell. I fell hard in front of a huge audience. Despite all the obstacles, I automatically kept going. There was no question in my mind about stopping the show. I kept going.
And that’s what I plan to do.

I saw the non-union national tour of The Wedding Singer and was blown away.

Simply amazing. I was surprised to discover I also knew some people in the tour. One understudy got to go on as Linda and stole the show. The girl was amazing. I would not have known that she was the understudy. Totally fantastic. She was a star on that stage. The funny thing - I did not realize it was my friend who did the role until after the show. On top of that, I did not know my friend could sing like that … I only had the chance to hear her sing a more legit sound. That girl has such an amazing voice. I am so happy to have gone to the show simply to see my friend rock the house.

The show itself was very strong. I felt the ensemble really put their all in the show and represented non-union performers well. I felt like saying “See, there is some hot talent amongst us.” I hope the tour does well with ticket sales. Honestly, after seeing the show, I am surprised that the show closed on Broadway. It was entertaining, well choreographed, and smooth. I did feel the role of Holly was not written well at the top of the show. Okay, okay, so I ended up with one negative thing to say.

Doesn’t change the fact that everyone should go see it.

We have this casual cabaret for the cast on Saturdays weekly. I want to practice the duet I’m planning to do with a friend, but I fear that I may be overwhelming with how much I like to rehearse a song. Also, I would like to go over my motivation with the song. I fear other people’s opinions with how much I get into performing a song. For me, it doesn’t matter the size of the audience. It just means a lot for me to do my very best every time. I have the words memorized. I am still in the process of feeling accustomed to playing with this new, safe way of singing. I do have a tendency to over-analyze, but I also feel like if I do hold back from rehearsing, I won’t be doing what I like to do.
On another note, I get to see the tour of The Wedding Singer this evening. I will be racing with fellow cast members to make the evening show after this show ends. Yes, I am in the middle of a show right now. Can you believe it? I am writing in this blog now because I simply won’t have the time to do it later.
We are driving for three hours to see this show. Could you imagine if it was canceled? Regardless, it will be a fun, small adventure for the night.

I have been trying to book a gig in my January through March gap in 2008. I have also been in touch with other theatres in effort to continue my employment when finishing my gig in Florida in 2008. Yes, I am planning ahead as much as possible because I want to keep working. i am enjoying what I am doing and find myself growing internally as well as externally with each gig.
In this gig, I have learned and am still learning about acceptance. I am working on accepting that the industry is the way it is. There is no way to paint it. Sure - many people would like to be the leads in shows, but there are not enough jobs out there to let everyone be the lead. Those are not my words. It was spoken as words of advice from a new friend in this current cast. I have been speaking openly about my inner frustrations as a performer with cast members. I want to be understood. I want to hear a different answer rather than the answers that won’t simply GET ME THE JOB. I find myself impatient with my past, present, and future. I feel like time is running and I cannot keep up. Next year I will be a year older and in the ensemble! Aaack!
Breathe. There is so much for me to be grateful for … and I just keep ending up in the negative. No need. I keep working and moving forward in this industry I can’t live without. I wish I could tell people to cast me and they would cast me. That would be such a relief.

I have not worked long, but I thought it would be nice to quickly talk about theatres/companies I have worked with who I think are fabulous.

I will start with LimonCarr Productions. They are a team in California and they are “on it.” They helped me get my start in theatre and pretty much built my resume. They are fantastically efficient in the rehearsal process and put together clean, fun shows. I had an honor of working with Macys as a performer and I love that company. Mostly because of the people in the hiring department who direct the shows as well. They are professional, supportive, and it is impossible to naturally fall into good friendships with these people. I love Macys. My heart goes out to Disney because they gave me the opportunity to do insanely wonderful roles. They were the first company to believe that I had the ability to take on fabulous characters. It was with Disney where my confidence as a singer grew. I am forever grateful. At Circa 21, they were simply the theatre who hired me after a long, dry spell. It was such an honor to be back on the stage and not doing any “survivor” jobs for six months straight. It was also there where I made amazing friendships that will last a lifetime. Triarts! Love that place. I had so much fun, in that beautiful area last summer. I absolutely fell in love with the choreographer who was highly supportive of my career on the stage. Prathers. Professional, effecient, and I must say it - they treat their performers like family. They are faithful to their performers and will rehire. The shows they put up are freakin good and the regular performers with the company are true professionals. I must finish with Matt Davenport Productions. I don’t know if words can ever express how much I love this production company. Everyone should work for them. They are inspiring, they get all their performers to grow, they provide constant support, … they are a dream come true. If you don’t ever work for this company, you are cheating yourself.