Always Auditioning

Riding on the bus to Lancaster. I felt like I was on tour again. I did an awful tour with a nonunion company that does not exist anymore. We were at a different location every night. It sucked. One-nighters. We spent most of our time on the bus. i remember we had two days in one spot and it was this huge deal. We would get to our hotel late at night after the show. Cast members would go out, but I didn’t because I knew we would have an entire day on the bus and I wanted to get sleep in a real bed.
Everything was not very organized. We once did a random stop to pick up some food. I went with the assistant company manager. We showed back up at the bus stop to discover we were stranded. Yep, the bus left without us. We phoned the company manager who had no idea that we were left behind. Oy.
Another cast member was left behind and the entire company knew it. No one could find the person the next morning and we were on a tight schedule (as usual). The cast was searching and calling the missing person until we had not choice but to leave. Turned out that the person got intoxicated the night before and managed to pass out in a random hotel room without a phone. Luckily, the person woke up and called the company manager before we ended up too far away. The poor person was in tears when we showed up at the hotel. I would have been freaked out as well. If that was meet, I would quit drinking after that incident.
I have plenty of memories on a bus from that awful tour. We were reminded daily that we were nonunion performers by the way the trip was organized and run. The cherry on top for me was all the bitching. That was the worst for me. Then I would find myself bitching about the bitching and pretty much joining the bandwagon.
It was hard to remind myself that I was lucky to have a gig when life on the bus was so miserable. That was the only contract I have ever left early (along with 8 other cast members). It was not good.
I’m not anti-bus … I just prefer another mode of transportation at this point in my life.

I can totally imagine a boy cringing when he reads this title. This is a real thing for women. I am on my period right now and it does make my voice more sensitive. My voice therapist was telling me about a friend of hers who did a study on the female voice.
He took studied both female singers and females who did not sing. For 60 days, he took a swab of liquid from the mouth and down there to see if there was a difference. No matter what time of month, there was not a difference. Whatever the lower part of the body experiences during the menstrual cycle, the voice gets effected as well. I don’t know if I am explaining this properly. The point - I have to learn to take it vocally easier when I am on my period. I don’t know what vocally easier is for me. I was originally a ballerina. I was trained to do things to the extreme. All or nothing. The in-between stuff takes longer for me to absorb. Man, I am a tired gal.

Despite the time of the month, I have been running around Manhattan getting last minute things together for the gig. I am bringing a lot of stuff. I know I will be there until the end of the year, so I want to have fun with my clothing. I am also bringing my computer office with me in order to be able to promote myself while I am out of the audition scene. I have been carrying heavy loads between Queens and Manhattan. I am starting to notice exactly how long the train ride is to and from the city. I don’t know why, but when I travel into the city for an audition, the travel time feels like nothing. But when I am doing trips with luggage, it feels like the longest trip ever!
I will be taking a cab from the Upper West Side to Port Authority Bus Terminal. I went to the terminal yesterday to figure out the easiest way to walk from the taxi to my bus stop. I have three big bags, two small carry-on, a small backpack with food, and my yoga mat. This is not including the three huge boxes I already mailed to the venue. I will probably rent a car at the end of the contract - it will be much simpler.
It’s all about the P’s. Period and Prepping. I don’t know which one is more draining.

I will be at my apartment today. I own a co-op in Queens. If a person has the money or the opportunity to invest in owning a place in New York, I highly reccommend it. When you go out of town it is easy to sublet and then I always have a permanent address despite all of my travels. It is so good to not have my parents home in California as my permanent address. It makes a difference.
I was working on a cruise ship when I knew I was going to own a co-op as soon as I got back into New York. I had so much fun designing the look of my aparment. I love how my apartment is - there is still plenty to fix up and that is fine with me. The biggest two things - the tiling and painting in the bathroom and the kitchen. The value of the apartment only increases as time goes on. As I fix up the apartment, it continues to “up” the value.
I have made the mistake of subletting to friends. This is the worst thing a person can do. It is mixing friendships with business. Not a good idea. The last time I did that it was to someone I truly enjoyed and now I’m sure we both shrivel at the sound of each other’s names. It’s a shame, but subletting to a friend can really cause some damage.
As a subleter, I have to tell people how to take care of the apartment. I watch over the apartment like a hawk. It is mine. Why would I shrug my shoulders if I think someone is abusing the apartment? I do not apologize for how I communicate about the apartment. I am not mean. I just don’t sugar coat it. My apartment is not about being nice to a friend. I speak to the subleter like a subleter. You get how subletting to a friend is the worst idea? I’m not saying I’m right or wrong. I’m only saying that in my eyes, I am protecting a huge investment and I will do what I have to in order to make sure the investment doesn’t get ruined.

This is what gets me up when I am down.

This song is my savior. I swear. I listen to the lyrics and it puts my mind in a much better spot. It makes me feel like I am not alone for being such a dreamer. Though I have not made it to the “big time,” I know I am living my dream. Everyday I work towards my goal to be the star on a huge broadway stage. Everyday I imagine a part of how my life will be when I get where I want. Everyday the dream becomes more vivid and my heart grasps onto the dream more tightly. Why not continue to reach for the stars? I am 27 years old and my heart still beats for the stage. My voice still longs to be heard in front of millions of people. The spotlight is so clear when I close my eyes. It gets to me.

Some people get annoyed by others who only talk about their life in the arts. But when a passion is so huge, how can a person help his/herself? I feel lucky to actually have such a strong passion for something.

I just choreographed a strip routine for 50 bucks.Never thought I would see the day I would do that. It technically was not a stripping, more like a seduction dance that would obviously lead to sex. I taught it in an hour. I would have liked to have more time with the individual to make it super hot in every move, but there was not enough time.

It was a new thing - choreographing a sex routine. I was very professional about it. Strange? I don’t have a background in choreographing specifically for this kind of thing, but it was easy. It kind of came natural to me. Is G-d trying to tell me something?
Nah, i would not do this as a full - out career, however, it is definitely a fun thing to put on my list of survivor jobs. “The things we do.”
It’s a good thing my next gig starts up soon because at this point, I am afraid of the other random jobs I would pick up (heh, heh).

I do understand the concept of sexy and how to be sexy. But inside, I see myself as a clutzy and goofy person. I can pull off the whole “sex” thing onstage. Simultaneously, I can do the geek thing as well. Jamie Lee Curtis captures it in her striptease in “True Lies.”

I was working on my songs today and decided to record myself. To me, I sounded like a soprano and it did not sound like a belt sound. So, I recorded myself. I swear, I wanted to cry because I could not have been happier about how things sounded. It sounded exactly the same. It’s insane! It is not fun to admit this, but my vocal teacher in college would try to slam this technique on me in college and I did not trust her advice. I still did what she said, btu if a person is constantly doubting everything that is being taught, it will never really sing in. I thought my teacher was trying to turn me into a soprano and take away my belt. Simultaneously, I did not understand what she was trying to do. Though it was repeated to me by this instructor MANY times, I was not ready for it. I was stubborn. Now I am ready to take it on and it is coming to me so quickly. I think I may aim to use this sound … hmmm … forever! I love it!

I can’t lie - I still hear unsupportive voices in my head. This is a particular voice of a co-worker who I grew to believe did not have any faith in me as a performer. Nothing was confirmed; it was just a feeling in my gut. This person was known to be honest, but also to have tact as well. I think I am pretty good at reading people. In this case, I felt like I lacked the talent as a singer. I felt judged. It did not feel good. I already have the ability to be harsh on myself. Having other critics, especially ones who are talented and in the same business, does not help. There is a part of me that wants to prove myself to this person, btu then I have grown to believe that it is not something to chase after.

The most important thing is me. I have to believe in myself. This is not an easy task. I know I have grown in my self-confidence, but I have so much farther to go. And I will get there.

I have just been humbled once again. Went to my voice therapy lesson and really learned how much I love to sing in my throat. We sang correctly and then I knew I did not want to sing incorrectly afterwards. I did not want to feel that strain after how good I felt from doing it her way. I have been “given the go” to sing songs outside of my lessons/therapy sessions. I have been nervous about doing it, but I have to jump the gun if I want to improve. It is all about jumping over the fear to get better. Otherwise, how can I get better if I am never practicing on a regular basis. I have worked on four songs with her. I will work on each song a couple times everyday. This is a promise to myself I know I will be able to keep until I start rehearsals on August 30th. If anything, I will be vocally prepared to sing in the rehearsal process. I used to worry about making friends, but now that it is the least of my worries. This career is my concern and I am making leaps and bounds as a vocalist. It’s amazing.
There was a wise person in my last cast who tried to tell me that I was singing improperly. How can it really sink in when a person is not ready for it to sink in? She was kind and honest about it, but I did not want to believe that I could be singing improperly after all my years of voice lessons. Truth was - I was not getting the lessons I needed. Now I am. I may be speaking of my voice a lot at the moment, but that is my main thought right now. It’s a good thing because it has aided in my focus and recovery. Why stop such a positive focus? Though this is a humbling experience that makes me want to beat myself up for my past, I must remind myself that I can only live in the present. Now is all I have …

I have provided my video demo reel of mine. Now that I have learned so much, I can see and hear how incorrectly I was singing in some of my recordings.

If you are like me, there is always a “to do” list. I used to get myself carried away and have things scheduled by the amount of time I guessed it would take me. I would get everything done on the list, but then I would miss out on my day. I would miss out on enjoying my journey in the pursuit of this fulfilling career. Now I am working on a balance. I am not there yet, but I am doing much better. I still write out what I want to get done, but I don’t let myself run or rush through things. I have also given myself time to relax between things. I don’t need to be working throughout the day. But it is important for me to not forget all that needs to be done. This is where I get so confused because I have so much that needs to be done and the sooner it gets done, the better. Without a voice, a lot of things have been put on pause … unfortunately. Once I am back to speaking, I will still pace my use of my voice, however, I will be so desperate to get to using it. I suppose I have to wait and see what is best a day at a time. This is where patience comes in because I don’t know if that “to do” list will ever get smaller.

Oh, yeah.

That is what happens when you leave a gig early and have no voice. I sucked up pride and called my parents for financial help. This is a huge deal because I have made a point and done such a great job at being financially stable without them. Now I feel like they think their fears have been confirmed. I see this as a sign of where things need to be fixed. First of all, my health insurance is crap because it only covers me in New York. Second, the special ENTs and voice/speech therapists I have been seeing taking specific, and very expensive health insurance. It is insane and highly expensive. And without a voice, how am I supposed to work? I am lucky I have parents to support me, but this was all not what I wanted. I want and take pride in being financially stable on my own. When this happened, it caught me off guard so much that I did not know what to do with myself. I had to go to my parents and suck it up. Now my mom is questioning my cost off living and I have hardly done anything this summer socially because I just don’t have the money. I am not miserable. Only wise. I suppose financial problems is common for a performer, but I know there is a way to make it work. I truly believe that I will find my financial success through my life in the arts. It may be a side job like writing which would be perfect, but I don’t know what is in store for me. I only know that I can’t leave the arts. This is my life, my love, my passion, my heartbeat. Though my finances are a fiasco at the moment, I don’t care. I am going to make it through this and make it work!

That’s right. It is now Monday and I am leaving California on Wednesday morning. It has been good, but I am looking forward to having more time to myself again. I have not focused on my voice/speech therapy the way I would like to and need/want to get back on that. It is insane how distracting things can be when I am revolving my life around being social. I still have yet to find the perfect balance. I suppose a lot of it is because I absolutely love my work and to not have any work in my life would take away from having a fulfilling vacation. I love doing and accomplishing. I love to see where I want to be and experiencing the journey as I get there.

While having this time off, I have been casually working on adding a vocabulary to my House dancing. It was so fun to bring all my new stuff to a club on Friday and get acknowledged. House dancing is a specific style and I have worked to get that style in my body. It will always look different on everyone and I am starting to find my own groove. Once a groove is found, it is not about the dance moves. It starts with the music and the groove is absolutely unpredictable. I love it. I have no idea what I am going to do and I feel comfortable with it! It was amazing. My friend who throws parties here in California knows someone in New York who could connect me with the house scene there. This would be amazing.
Needless to say … again, I am looking forward to getting back to New York and having the time to focus on everything that is work-related. I love my life and I love my time off, but the fact that my next gig is getting closer, helps me breathe more efficiently.

I am on vacation right now in California. It is so great to see all of my friends and be at the home I grew up in, however, I am exhausted. I don’t like being this tired. I have plans to see another friend in 45 minutes. I ate, so I am not able to sleep or nap right now. So I find myself just stuck in my current state.
How am I losing touch? I am losing touch with taking care of myself. That plays a huge role into my pursuit as a professional performer. My dream. I am now stuck in this state of exhaustion and it takes effort to imagine things I want to do to aid my future success. I realize I am on vacation, but my passion never sleeps. The stage is always calling me. I am not performing right now and I can feel it. I long for the stage. It’s this endless, addictive hunger that only a truly passionate person can understand.
I randomly had this thought during this one 3 month gig. I suddenly just knew I wanted to be in the musical Rent. I understand I am not alone on this desire, but this one hit me hard. I wanted it. I still want it. The music is gravitational and the roles are so out there and bold. I want to experience that emotional roller coaster as Maureen and take more chances. I swear, the dreams just keep on adding up.

Look at me, I am not actively pursueing my passion while on vacation and I still can’t stop thinking about my career. I suppose I should never be afraid of losing touch. My passion will never go away.

I had the most profound lesson yesterday. I am seriously in love with my voice and speech therapist. She is amazing. I was having soreness in my throat and she taught me how to massage the muscles that are desperately trying to grip in my larynx. It does not feel good when they get all tense and I feared it was because I was doing my exercises wrong. It is so easy to want to blame myself. Anyhow, I was so excited when she told me that it was my muscles gripping in my throat. It is so great to learn such a simple solution.

Have I shared with you some of my struggles with my recent health? The worst was working with a cast of people who were unsupportive and/or straight up did not believe I was sick in the first place. To feel like crap for two months is no walk in the park. I smiled through the situation because I don’t want to bring drama to a job I love. It hurt to be so alone in my experience. I really did not have much support in all of it. The fact that people thought I was faking it was highly damaging. I did not have someone saying, “are you okay?” nor did I have any hugs. This may sound childish, but hugging is so theraputic and I had nothing. This is not to bad-mouth anyone in particular it is to just put the struggle out there. Depending on the gig, it can be so unpredictable on how my relationship will be with others. I was alone with all my health struggles and unfortunately, it was not what made the experience so miserable for me.
But then I take myself back to the now. The present. Here I am growing as a performer and grown from that experience. I was able to stay true to myself and my passion through everything. I guess I could say that life in general has been a profound lesson.

I ran into a friend from college who is pursueing her craft in New York. I asked the usual question: what have you been up to? This can be a fatal question if you are not working back to back at any particular theatre. I felt bad when I realized I had put her in an uncomfortable spot. That was not my intention, but even if it was not, it ended up sucking. She has not had a lot of regular work. I don’t care. What matters is that she is happy. I am not close enough with her in order for her to feel comfortable with sharing her struggles with me. I am open to talk about it, but how can I open that door of communication when we are not that close. I am not a fan of topical conversations. Topical - my definition would be any conversation that only is about how things look on the outside - not how they really are on the inside.
I ended up emailing her and apologizing for being unable to speak. Yes, I am mute right now as I heal vocally. I did not fully share my vocal situation because it is not something I am proud of … guess being open goes both ways. Either way, despite our block to be able to fully open up to each other, it was obvious that our intentions were good and that is what really matters.
I have felt as though an apology is not enough lately. I have apologized to my previous employers, but I don’t feel it is adequate enough. So, I have turned it into Thank Yous. I have thanked them for letting me leave the contract early to heal and for being wonderful bosses (yes, I had more than one boss at the last gig).
I even wrote a letter to the producer letting him know how grateful I was in massive detail. Whatever I do, it doesn’t feel like it is enough. Simply because apologizing doesn’t seem to cut it for me.
At this point, I have to let go. I know, I know. It is so hard. I guess forgiving and accepting myself and my health situation is the first step. I have done well with that, but there must still be some block if I fully won’t let other people forgive me. It would have been easier to just have remained healthy, but that was not the path I was meant to lead.
For now, I am going to focus on the positive, take myself out for a nice jog right now, and stop freakin apologizing!

When am I not auditioning. Even if I get a job, I find myself always having to show my best. There is never a break. It is hard, as a performer, to be “on” all the time. I have messed up and it truly sucks when I have - I beat myself up about things I have said and an action I took. I am 27 and I look young for my age. I’m blessed. Not so young that I could play a child, but I look good. If I thought I looked horrible and doubted myself, it would show at an audition. People want to see the full package. If I was unsure or insecure about something, it would show in an audition. I have to know who I am and take advantage.
I am a product, but I am human. Man, the mistakes I make along the way happen.
Here’s the current scoop on me. I sing, act, and dance. I am truly strong in all three. I have worked hard to get there, so I don’t act shy about that. Do I still have room to grow? Absolutely. That’s the beauty of it. Right now I have had to suck it up because I got a huge wake up call this summer in the middle of a gig. Swelling in the vocal folds. Initially, it was thought it was from singing incorrectly. Oh I felt like a donkey (put in appropriate word). That’s a huge sock in the heart to hear that you have hurt yourself in the throat. Later I discovered it was from bad acid reflux, allergies, and lack of sleep. This was resolved while doing voice and speech therapy in New York (still doing). Though I was relieved that it was not from singing incorrectly, the blow was done.
As a performer who’s daily life is an audition, this is something that should not be shared with the world. Who wants a performer who almost had even pre-nodes? So then, why am I putting this out there. Because there may be another performer who has gone through what I have been through and I want him/her to know that he/she is not alone. It’s rough and it’s my passion.
Though I am “always auditioning,” I want to make it a goal to be extremely open about my journey as a performer. Feel free to email me if you want to share any similar experiences in your life as you read on.