Always Auditioning

I had a good audition. I felt good in the room doing my monologue that I use from “Witches of Eastwick.” The people in the room were friendly. The monologue I did - got no laughs. I know this happens sometimes. I personally don’t believe that my monologue is laugh-out-loud funny. I don’t. If anything, I think it is humorous/uplifting in it’s own way. I wouldn’t laugh. … but it does feel so good when people laugh. I did the monologue and that was that. I would like to start booking straight plays. Great roles in straight plays. After getting the wonderful opportunity to do some great roles in magical shows with the fabulous Festival 56, I would love to do some more again. I must say, I am proud of myself for showing up to the straight play audition. I can be a professional with finding a very good reason to miss an audition. I showed up. I want to show up to more of them, so I get on a roll. People in the straight theatre world do not know my face. As far as they are concerned, I am new. This is not the case in my eyes, but there is some truth to it. I have worked so hard and have done a great job at continuously exposing myself. Now, I am kind of just starting that with straight theatre as well and making a point to show up.

Man, I love this show. I love the music, the plot, … all that it is about. At the equity audition today, I felt like I stepped into a piece of heaven. I got to wear one of my new audition dance dresses and felt like I presented myself very professionally as look goes. The dance was from a part of “America.” Will I ever get sick of this dance? I think not. The pianist didn’t have to play much for me to feel right at home with the dance. I made a mistake in the same freakin annoying spot the two times I did it. Luckily, according to my friend, he was looking away the two times I made that particular mistake. I was not asked to stay, however, with the exception of my flub, I was very happy with what I gave at the audition. It is hard to leave an audition feeling like this - like I nailed it … even if that means I will not get the job. I can only do so much. The rest is completely up to the casting director. The friend of mine who was at the audition as well kicked some major butt. I was sad to see that she did not get called back. Once again, it is not in her control. All she can do is dance …

Yep, that’s where I was today! I woke up at 6am with everything ready to head straight to Chelsea … only to discover that my suitcase holding all my crap was broken! Oy! I had to switch my heavy load and lost about 15 minutes. I arrived around 7:15am and ended up at number 45ish. Crazy, right? Well, in the nonunion world, that is the B.S. I have to deal with. I refuse to get up earlier than 6am, so getting the the audition building at 7am is the best I can do. I need my sleep. The audition itself was moving very slowly. Not a good thing. 50 minutes into the audition, they had only seen 24 people. That is not good. I don’t get it. When I went in to sing, it all seemed to have a flow. … it was just a slow moving process. I must say something about the pianist. I love him! I would be a happy girl if he was there at every audition. He really followed me and I truly appreciated it. Not many/most pianist do not do that. And the people behind the table? Super nice. One person, leaned forward with a huge, welcoming smile on his face before I even sang. I felt great about my song. I was in the moment and went for it. Though I wasn’t called back, I walked out of the room feeling super great about myself.

I am not talking about not performing. I am talking about not having a job and not earning an income while I am auditioning for my next gig. This is insane! I feel so on top of things when I call employers on speed dial every time I return to New York. Now that I’m back, the phone numbers are practically useless. It’s horrible! I need the hours and I need the money. I made less than 200 dollars this past month. Got that? 200 dollars! I don’t like taking hand outs and have hidden at home to avoid spending money. Auditioning, voice, and acting lessons are my escape during the week. Otherwise, I am just frustrated and ashamed. I worked so hard to make connections over the years so I would always have an income. That is ten times harder now and I am starting from square one as though I never did all that work in the first place.

I am all about inspirational quotes and I have realized that I have shared mine. If I had to chose a short one, it would be “Leap and the net will appear.”
Several years ago, the movie “Akeelah and The Bee” introduced a quote made by Nelson Mandela that changed my life:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us.
We as ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of G-d.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make a manifest - the glory of G-d within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

I do apologize if I don’t have this quote down to the T. I am doing my best.

The point - after reading that, don’t you feel inspired?

In case you don’t know anything about Nelson Mandela, here is an old clip of him I found:

I am feeling so frustrated with my health at the moment. I’m still functioning very well, but drudging through the nausea for the last week and a half has really been weighing on me. I am exhausted. My body is worn down and I could cry. I finally had a great nights sleep last night. I am grateful. I really needed it. … but I don’t want to be dealing with this right now! Somehow, I have managed to drudge along this week. But to keep going, it has definitely worn me down. Though I don’t have the flu or some disease, dealing with reflux is like being sick when it gets as bad as it has for me. I’ll be fine. I’m just pissed off.
… but I’ll be fine. I woke up this morning without nausea and that is always a good start. After eating a little, I found myself with a little bit of reflux, but a little bit is not so bad. I can get through this now. I’m eating very carefully and taking this a day at a time … as I have been. I never thought I would have this much patience. As a child, I was not a girl with patience. I suppose when I have no choice but to be patient, I do my part.

I think I know my reason for my nausea. I am going to the doctor at 9:30am to take care of my problem.

“What are the symptoms of uncomplicated GERD?

The symptoms of uncomplicated GERD are primarily heartburn, regurgitation, and nausea. Other symptoms occur when there are complications of GERD and will be discussed with the complications.

Heartburn

When acid refluxes back into the esophagus in patients with GERD, nerve fibers in the esophagus are stimulated. This nerve stimulation results most commonly in heartburn, the pain that is characteristic of GERD. Heartburn usually is described as a burning pain in the middle of the chest. It may start high in the abdomen or may extend up into the neck. In some patients, however, the pain may be sharp or pressure-like, rather than burning. Such pain can mimic heart pain (angina). In other patients, the pain may extend to the back.

Since acid reflux is more common after meals, heartburn is more common after meals. Heartburn is also more common when individuals lie down because without the effects of gravity, reflux occurs more easily, and acid is returned to the stomach more slowly. Many patients with GERD are awakened from sleep by heartburn.

Episodes of heartburn may occur infrequently or frequently, but episodes tend to happen periodically. This means that the episodes are more frequent or severe for a period of several weeks or months, and then they become less frequent or severe or even absent for several weeks or months. This periodicity of symptoms provides the rationale for intermittent treatment in patients with GERD who do not have esophagitis. Nevertheless, heartburn is a life-long problem, and it almost always returns.

Regurgitation

Regurgitation is the appearance of refluxed liquid in the mouth. In most patients with GERD, usually only small quantities of liquid reach the esophagus, and the liquid remains in the lower esophagus. Occasionally in some patients with GERD, larger quantities of liquid, sometimes containing food, are refluxed and reach the upper esophagus.

At the upper end of the esophagus is the upper esophageal sphincter (UES). The UES is a circular ring of muscle that is very similar in its actions to the LES. That is, the UES prevents esophageal contents from backing up into the throat. When small amounts of refluxed liquid and/or foods breach (get through) the UES and enter the throat, there may be an acid taste in the mouth. If larger quantities breach the UES, patients may suddenly find their mouths filled with the liquid or food. What’s more, frequent or prolonged regurgitation can lead to acid-induced erosions of the teeth.

Nausea

Nausea is uncommon in GERD. In some patients, however, it may be frequent or severe and may result in vomiting. In fact, in patients with unexplained nausea and/or vomiting, GERD is one of the first conditions to be considered. It is not clear why some patients with GERD develop mainly heartburn and others develop mainly nausea.”

Luckily, this week has hardly any auditions, so there is not reason to beat myself up about anything. I want to get my face out there for auditions and simultaneously, I do not want to leave the city. I am starting to date. I am meeting some great, amazing people through eharmony.com. Yup! A dating website! Yesterday, I went on the most amazing date ever and I am grateful to have the time (for the first time in a long time). Usually, I feel so rushed because I only have a contract in a show for a certain length of time. Now, with no shows lined up and hardly any work/income (that sucks), I am able to meet men. Men! Boys! Love it! I’m still in the first stages, but if I got a gig right now, I would be extremely upset. I have a love life and I’m dating. It’s not so easy to do that in this business if you are a working performer.

I will be doing a massive mailing to theatres tomorrow of a little less than 400 postcards. I am putting together the last touches this evening. It is time consuming, but very worth the effort. Out of sight, out of mind. I do not plan to get out of people’s mind. I got a great quote from a review from my last gig and that is highlighted on my postcard. I was going to use a pink highlighter because I simply thought the color was cute, but I have so many yellow highlighters … I figured it would be good to use/use up some of them. I do not have the money for this mailing, but I do not have a choice. It is my job to get these postcards out. After this mailing, I will only keep in touch with theatres in New York and previous companies I have had the honor of working for … that’s it. New York is my new home base and I want to stay here.

I am probably one of the few people in NY to say this, but I am glad that things are slow in New York right now. I need the time to readjust with everything. First of all, as I said in a recent blog, getting a survivor job is a pain in my butt. I have decided to get re-certified with AFAA and am in the process of getting my textbook, registering for the test, and starting the studying process. In advance, I am contacting gyms I would be very interested to work with. On top of that, I am getting back into the swing of things with my acting and voice lessons. I am not bothering with dance lessons because even with work study, it is 3 dollars a class and with little to practically no income right now, I just can’t afford it. I’m in the process of setting a regular, dependable schedule (will be set by the end of this week). Then, a work out schedule. After feeling under the weather, I am now back into the swing of things. With the added health, I have to find and set a way to constantly practice, improve myself as an auditioning performer. And my book about the life of nonunion performers - the interviews need to happen as well. I’m getting on with all of it. Oh, and did I mention the dating? Yep, I am doing that as well. I have plenty on my plate at the moment with getting re-adjusted to the city. The fact that auditions are slow as heck is only helpful. I need the time.
Whoo!

I am trying to come up with a way to get a regular income. I am not having great success with having a fabulous income at the moment. I can’t stand it. It’s totally annoying and I need to have an income! I think I am going to re-train and get AFAA certified again so I can teach aerobics at gyms all over New York. That is always a way to make money and, technically, I have done it before. I need to make that resume and I need to see if there is a gym that will pay for my re-certification. Simultaneously, I need to get the book to start studying now. I don’t want to freak myself out by having very little time to study. On top of that, I have to put most of my focus on singing/acting/dancing. This must remain a side thing for me. The stage is and will always be number one. Wish me luck with balancing!

Man, I have been feeling ill every morning since Tuesday and I am over it. i do not like the feeling of nausea and it has stopped me from going to auditions. My voice teacher could hear the hoarseness in my voice from the nausea. No fun. I don’t like hearing that the sickness is having an effect on my voice. It sucks. In the meantime, I have been getting plenty of rest and I hope and pray to be back out there auditioning as soon as possible. I don’t like this. I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to put my life on pause. That, to me, is such a huge block. I really want to keep going forward with all of my dreams in this performing business. I am so happy when I am on that stage. Any audition I miss only takes away from the earliest opportunity to be back on the stage. It’s frustrating.

Dude, this never gets any easier. Luckily, I have several employers and one of them usually comes through with work. Since employment has decreased a lot in general, I have made the choice to apply for more work with other catering companies. Ugggh! I’d rather just keep doing shows. But for now, I am in this whole readjustment phase since I have gotten back to New York. I am taking longer than I had planned to adjust to everything here. It is what it is. I must remind myself that I can’t rush things as much as I want to rush myself. If my body needs sleep, then sleep is what I give myself. If I can work, I work. It’s really that simply. I just got over a recent flu and now I am able to get to work again. Life is crazy in New York, but I can make it work and I can have a consistent income.

That was me today. I was feeling sicker than ever. Yesterday, the sickness kicked in and it was awful. Today, I have been dealing with that dizziness you get from after throwing up all day. I got a chance to go home and take a nap before heading back out for one of my survivor jobs - babysitting. Man, I am still feeling it right now. Despite the fact that I feel crappy, if I get out of babysitting early enough, I am going to yet another audition tonight - gotta get my face out there - period. It is my job. That is a really sucky thing about this career. There is not time to take off. I mean, I can miss auditions while I get better, but that really is missing out on so many job opportunities. It is a bad idea to stay home even if you are sick. The last job I got - I happened to be feeling a little ill the first day I sang. I went anyhow and dude, I got the job. It is so important to show up. I am not saying kill yourself just to get out there. If you need to stay home, stay home. Health is beyond important. I realize I sound like a big “go getter” in this blog, but I am trying to keep myself going while my body is refusing to cooperate. It is rough. I miss the days when I could just go to mom and curl up next to her. She would let me know I would be okay and there was this general comfort. I don’t have that now. I am on my own and working extra hard to do the best things for myself as a performer.

Here is a clip I have been wanting to share of me in my last show. If I did not show up to the audition because I was ill, I wouldn’t have had the great honor of getting and doing the job.

I do not know where I stand on this. It is a hard business to be in a relationship in general. There are two sides to every situation. The good thing about dating another actor - you both understand the business. You can both motivate and inspire each other. I know one couple who has produced and performed in shows together. It can be a really cool thing. You also both understand the lifestyle and unpredictability. The downside - I guess there are many. In most cases, no one is really making a steady income, so having a family is next to impossible unless you have found a way to supplement. Also, jealousy may arise. One partner may have more success than the other. It can be hard to be the less successful of the two. Whether you would want to admit that you could be the jealous type, this could naturally happen. … ah, man, … the cheating. The cheating is always an unfortunate possibility. Both men and women go into this ga ga land when they are in a show. Many times, they mistake what they are doing on stage with the real world. It can become an ongoing, unfaithful mess every time one person leaves for a gig.
Overall, it is a gamble. You never know how things are going to turn out in any relationship. I say go for it. Why not? You may actually meet the right one …